Yoga FAQ

Question: Will Yoga turn me into a hippie?

YogaDawg: As there haven’t been any hippies around for at least 30 years, that is not possible. On the other hand, you might find yourself turning into a naked sadhu covered with the ashes of the dead. As you wander through your neighborhood you might disturb the neighbors as much as the hippies did in their day.

Question: Will I become possessed by demons or serpents if I do yoga?

YogaDawg: Only if you are a member of a fundamentalist religious cult, a zombie or a member of a right-wing political group like the Republicans.

Question: How do I choose a yoga studio?

YogaDawg: In general, you should look for one with the slickest website since they all promise and promote the same thing.

Question: What about the studio whose website show lots of crazy stuff like molybdomancy, aura balancing, trepanation, crop circle interpretation, alien abductees counseling, snake handling, etc?

YogaDawg: Then it is an excellent studio, although don’t be surprised if the yoga teacher asks you to help assist in an emergency chakra transplant.

Question: Will practicing yoga help prevent the squirrels from stealing the tomatoes from my tomato plants in the back yard?

YogaDawg: Hummm, that’s a tough one. Unfortunately the answer is no. Nothing on the face of the earth will prevent the squirrels from stealing your tomatoes. Squirrels will eat every tomato that they lay their eyes on. When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approach, the squirrels will be in front of them eating all the tomatoes.

Question: There are so many styles of yoga, how do I choose one?

YogaDawg: Well, it quite easy actually. You could, for example, take Iyengar yoga and be in a class with a bunch of expressionless yogis hanging around waiting for the teacher to instruct them into a pose with a perfect alignment. There will be lots of bored looks as it will take forever to get them set up in a pose with all the props they will need.

On the other hand you could take an Ashtanga yoga class where there will be lots of hot and sweaty, half naked bodies who will swoon in ecstasy as they move into various tantric orgasmic poses, loudly moaning with hot ujjaya breathing as they union with the naked godhead in transcendental bliss.

Question: Wow, that description of Ashtanga yoga really got me, ummmm, excited. Is it okay to date women who are in a yoga class?

YogaDawg: That would be very unyogic. Women are not in yoga class to be bothered with men trying to get dates with them. They are there to yoke (the meaning of yoga). Besides, women think men who do yoga are either weird or gay.

Question: So I guess I am out of luck there?

YogaDawg: Now, now, no need to get so negative. That’s only true if you are a student. However, if you were a yoga teacher, then the women in the class won’t think you are weird or gay. There will be a great possibility that they will date you because women think being a yoga teacher is kind of hot.

Question: Really? How do I become a yoga teacher?

YogaDawg: Well, you are in luck. All you have to do is sign up for the YogaDawg teacher training course. This will allow you to become a certified YogaDawg yoga teacher in 2 weekends. This is a bargain at $17,989 for the complete 2 weekend course.

Question: Man, that’s a lot of money YogaDawg!

YogaDawg: Are you going negative on me again? Yogadawg hates it when student go negative on him. Think man, do you have parents whose retirement accounts you can bilk? How about a senile old aunt? Do you have a 401k that you can plunder? How about selling your blood? Don’t let your negative thinking get in the way of getting dates, um, I mean, missing out on becoming a yoga teacher!

Question: Yeah, you’re right, I can’t wait to sign up. Does this mean that I’ll be able to date hot yoga teacher babes also.

YogaDawg: Unfortunately no. That will only be possible if you are a yoga star. See YogaDawg’s special yoga workshop “How to become a yoga star”.

Question: Hey YogaDawg, I have one last question; why was the word ‘yoga’ chosen for the practice? It sounds so goofy.

YogaDawg: Because 'pilates' was already taken.

Yoga FAQ

Check out the YogaDawg website...it's hilarious! - Linda's Yoga Journey

I've never laughed so hard in my life: YogaDawg. Check out, in particular, the Styles + Dangers. He absolutely nail it. - Alosaurus

You're going straight to hell. I'll see you there.  We'll have drinks. Love the site. - Bernadette