Yoga Schools and Styles

The Zombies

The Zombie school of Yoga is quite convenient because they have studios located in most of the strip malls across America. While you are buying your burger with fries or cup of designer coffee, you can also sign up to take a Yoga class without having to leave the comfort of your favorite shopping area.

This school of Yoga requires that you purchase a really nifty martial arts styled uniform to wear in your Yoga class. Expect to do a lot of bowing in this school. You will do it before, during and after classes. Your typical Zombie Yoga class will begin by bowing 12 times as you chant the mantra, "I love Father Yoga". You will then stand with you eyes closed as you punch yourself in the stomach, chest, arms and legs as hard as possible. If you haven't passed out at this point, you will proceed to the next pose which consists of placing a few well placed slaps to the face and a wallop to the back of the neck of your fellow yogi student. There will be drum music and the teacher will encourage you in your practice by shouting out, "Hit yourself harder". The next pose will find you on your knees for a long time while screaming, "Who am I?", "What do I want?" and "My checkbook is always open to Father Yoga".

A class of the Zombie school will always end with a guided meditation that will take you through an inner experience as they describe their advanced classes, workshops and teacher training programs. In the background will be some white noise with subliminal messages such as, "Purchase me", "Buy me", "Tell us where your money is" and "Ask about our easy payment plan".

Some of the advance training in the Zombie School will teach you to Respire your Brain, Extract Hemroids with your Mind and Explain Abnormal Credit Card Purchases to your Spouse. The special workshop called "Fire in your Hole" will teach you to make your lower abdomen warm while your brain is cool; make your hands warm while your feet are cold. And all for only $10,700!

The Zombie school also has a really nice online store where you can purchase such things as the $90 "power brains" and $4,500 "healing turtle" figurines. They also have splinter of plywood from the construction of Father Yoga's mansion for $23 as well as the $125 granite skull tapper. Most interesting of all is their "Quick Trip". Here, you will be able to purchase an extra special training program to Father Yoga's island hide-out, um, I mean hide-a-way. As the program describes it, you will receive special implants and minor brain surgery which will always keep you in touch with Father Yoga's teachings. This will alleviate the need for years of regular Zombie Yoga classes. This is priced at $223,768. Look for specials as they are available depending on Father Yoga's cash flow.

TIP: Because you won't understand a word being said in any of the classes just bow a lot and keep a hand on your wallet.

Read more about Yoga in the My Third Eye Itches eBook

Styles of Yoga

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