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Yoga Schools and Styles


The Zombies

The Zombie school of Yoga is quite convenient because they have studios located in most of the strip malls across America. While you are buying your morning latte or a burger with fries, you can also sign up for a yoga class without having to leave the comfort of your favorite shopping area.

This school of yoga requires that you purchase a nifty martial arts styled uniform to wear in your yoga class. Expect to do a lot of bowing in this school. You will do it before, during, and after classes. Your typical Zombie yoga class will begin by bowing 12 times as you chant the mantra, "I love Father Yoga." You will then stand with your eyes closed as you punch yourself in the stomach, chest, arms, and legs as hard as possible. If you haven't passed out at this point, you will proceed to the next pose which consists of placing a few well aimed slaps to the face and a wallop to the back of the neck of your fellow yogi student. The Zombie teacher will encourage you in your practice by shouting out, "Hit yourself harder!" to the tune of drum music. The next pose will find you on your knees for a long time while screaming, "Who am I?”, "What do I want?”, and "My checkbook is always open to Father Yoga."

A Zombie class always ends with a guided meditation that takes you through an inner experience as the teacher describes advanced classes, workshops, and teacher training programs. In the background you may notice white noise with subliminal messages such as, "Purchase me," "Buy me," "Tell us where your money is," and "Ask about our easy payment plan."

Some of the advanced training in the Zombie school will teach you to breathe through your brain, extract hemorrhoids with your mind, and explain abnormal credit card purchases to your spouse. The special workshop called "Fire in your Hole" will teach you to make your lower abdomen warm while your brain is cold and to make your hands warm while your feet are cold--and all for only $10,700!

The Zombie school also has a really nice online store where you can purchase such things as the $90 power brains and $4,500 healing turtle figurines. They also have splinters of plywood from the construction of Father Yoga's mansion for $23 as well as the $125 granite skull tapper. Most interesting of all is their "Quick Trip." Here, you will be able to purchase an extra special training program to Father Yoga's island hide-a-way (otherwise known as his hideout). As the program describes it, you will receive special implants and minor brain surgery, which will always keep you in touch with Father Yoga's teachings. This will alleviate the need for years of regular Zombie yoga classes. This is priced at $223,768. Look for specials, as they are available depending on Father Yoga's cash flow.

TIP: Because you won't understand a word being said in any of the classes, just bow a lot and keep a hand on your wallet.



Styles of Yoga




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