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Yoga Schools and Styles


The Crombies

The Crombie school of yoga is where the popular yogis hang out. You will want to practice the Crombie style if you are beautiful, rich, and/or famous, or just fanaticizing that you are one or all of the above. Movie stars, sports stars, and rock stars grace Crombie schools, and you might even find a politician or two. Rumor has it that Elvis has been sighted in a few of these classes over the past year, so it pays to keep your eyes open during a Crombie class. In any case, expect to find many Barbie and Ken types here. This is the place to be seen while you strut your yoga stuff.

Even though this is a stripped down version of yoga (some even say a ripped-off version) with a lame sequence of poses, you will find excessive heat and sweat in this style. By adding extreme heat to this sequence of poses, the Crombie school has managed to capture the hearts of Americans. This should come as no surprise as the Crombie school of yoga has managed to blend all of the things America loves most: a limited set of yoga poses for the attention deficient yogi, sex scandals, copyright litigation, along with hot, sweaty, and half naked bims and bimbos in tropical heat. Combine this with a swarmy, smelly studio led by a loudmouth, swaggering yoga star swinging a big dick with a couple of radioactive balls and you have a winning formula for yogic success in America.

The beauty of the Crombie school is that there is no need for intelligence, curiosity, or inquiry. Simply turn up the heat, shake, and bake. Place on the center rack at 108 degrees and turn every 5 minutes. With only 26 poses in its feeble copyrighted sequence, there is no need to worry about progressing. Just strap on your Speedo or sports bra with matching spandex shorts and get ready to sweat, slip, and slide to Crombie perfection.

In this style, there is no demonstration of poses. You will be expected to learn the poses as you are checking out the hot babe or dude next to or in front of you. There will also be no headstands, shoulder stands, or down dogs as the yoga star thinks you are too lame for those poses. As the yoga star himself explains, "Those poses are for the dancing monkeys in other schools of Yoga.”

The yoga star claims that this style of yoga will cure you of welts, dry heaves, glass jaws, rope burns, paper cuts, blackheads, piles, spring fever and homesickness, unexplained weeping, scurvy, whooping cough, sneezing, wheezing and freezing, halitosis, lumps, bumps, mumps, the frumps and dry humps, corns and bunions, dumb looks and dumb luck, hemorrhoids, plantar warts, the willies and the nillies, the heebie-jeebies, in-grown toenails, and gunshot wounds. On the other hand, he does not claim that it will increase your IQ or make you appear more intelligent or lucid.

TIP: If you are sensitive to the smell of hundreds of sweating bodies, have an ounce of intelligence or integrity, or are adverse to rage-prone teachers wearing diamond studded watches, skip this style of yoga.


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