Yoga Schools and Styles

The Crombies

This is the school of Yoga where the popular Yogis hang out. It is the style you will want to practice if you are beautiful, rich and/or famous or just fanticizing that you are. You will find movie stars here and sport stars and rock stars. You might even find a politician or two. It has also been rumored that Elvis has been sighted in a few of these classes over the past year, so it pays to keep your eyes open during a Crombie class. In any case, expect to find many Barbie and Ken types here. This is the place to be seen while you strut your Yoga stuff.

Even though this is a stripped down version of Yoga (some even say a ripped off version) with a lame sequence of poses, you will find excessive heat and sweat in this style. By adding extreme heat to this sequence of poses, the Crombie School has managed to capture the hearts of America. That should come as no surprise as this school of Yoga has managed to blend all of the things America loves most: a limited set of yoga poses for the attention deficient Yogi, sex scandals, copyright litigation along with hot, sweaty and half naked bims and bimbos in a tropical heat. Combine this with a swarmy, smelly studio led by a loud-mouth, swaggering Yoga Star swinging a big dick with a couple of radioactive balls and you have a winning formula for the Yogic success in America.

The beauty of the Crombie school is that there is no need for intelligence, curiosity or inquiry. It is sufficiently shallow. Who needs all that crazy stuff from India that the other schools are always laboring under. Simple turn up the heat, shake and bake. This style is meat in the oven Yoga. Place on the center rack at 108 degrees and turn every 5 minutes. With only 26 poses in its feeble copyrighted sequence, there is no need to worry about progressing in this style of Yoga. Just strap on your Speedo or sport bra with matching spandex shorts and get ready to sweat, slip and slide to Crombie perfection.

In this style, there will no demonstration of poses. You will be expected to learn the poses as you are checking out the hot babe or dude next to or in front of you. There will also be no headstands, shoulderstands or Down Dogs as the Yoga Star thinks you are too lame for those poses. As the Yoga Star of this schools explains, "Those poses are for the monkeys in the other schools of Yoga".

The Yoga Star will claim that this style of Yoga will cure you of welts, dry heaves, glass jaws, rope burns, paper cuts, blackheads, piles, spring fever and homesickness, unexplained weeping, scurvy, whooping cough, sneezing, wheezing and freezing, halitosis, lumps, bumps, mumps, the frumps and dry humps, corns and bunions, dumb looks and dumb luck, hemaroids, planter warts, the willies, nillies and the heebie-jeebies, in-grown toenails and gunshot wounds. On the other hand, there will be no claim that it will increase your IQ nor make you even appear more intelligent or lucid.

TIP: If you are sensitive to the smell of hundreds of sweating bodies, have an ounce of intelligence or integrity or are adverse to rage coming from teachers wearing diamond studded watches, skip this school of Yoga.

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Styles of Yoga

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