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Yoga Schools and Styles

 

The Jocks

Otherwise known as the bad boy/bad girl style of yoga, the sworn purpose of the Jock style is to ridicule and condescend all other styles of yoga. Though the Nerd and the Jock schools descended from the same yoga super star, Great Great Yoga Father Super Yoga Super Star, a great schism developed between the two styles. Because of this, the Jocks take particular delight in persecuting practitioners from the Nerd school. They will also pick on other schools of yoga if they grow tired of bashing Nerds. The Jocks will appear evil and attempt to kick your ass, yogically speaking, especially if you are a small, wiry yogi who wears glasses. The women of this style, in particular, take great glee in doing this.

The Jock style is practiced in damp, smelly “studios.” They tend to resemble a boys’ clubhouse, and may harbor skulls and bones of small rodents in obscure corners. You will see practitioners of this school congregating in small groups (gangs) to discuss ways to torture new students and Nerds if they happen to stumble into a Jock yoga class.

As a beginner student, your means of survival is tied to your ability to hide in the back of the class as you practice, keeping your mouth shut and leaving as quickly as possible once it is over. Never, ever mention that you have taken Nerd classes or classes of any other yoga style for that matter. This is the equivalent of an Israeli showing up in Syria. Not good. If a Jock somehow catches wind of the fact that you have taken classes in another style of yoga, expect to be tormented and ridiculed in class. If you make the mistake of mentioning it upon leaving the class, expect to be called a yoga sissy, a girlie yogi, have sweaty towels thrown at you, and maybe even have your yoga mat taken from you.

Don't expect English to be spoken in Jock classes. Instead, be forewarned that you will need to understand and possibly speak something similar to Klingon. On the other hand, you will insult them greatly if you try speaking their language as a beginning yoga student. It is recommended that you practice the language at home. YogaDawg suggests that you find a Jock language support group and study the language for at least 7 years before attempting to speak to Jocks in their language. The best bet, in the short term, is to simply develop and maintain a strong silent persona. This should get you through most of your classes without incident. As a side note, feel free to grunt. The Jocks will appreciate this elementary attempt at their language just as the other schools of yoga might appreciate a spirited Om.

Finally, be aware that the Jocks will eventually try to test your loyalty and abilities by asking if you have ever been to Yourpain in India. Don't acknowledge nor deny. As a new student, this is a dangerous area, so YogaDawg suggests remaining silent or at most, replying with an agitated grunt. Also be warned that the Jocks will try to trick you occasionally by being nice to you. However, once your defenses are down, they will attack in mass. Always keep your guard up in a Jock class.

TIP: Unlike every other school of yoga, this style is not practiced in a yoga studio. Jocks practice in, as they like to call it, a Hellhole. The word ”studio” is too effeminate for Jocks.

BONUS TIP: Don't ever, ever go into child's pose in a Jock yoga class. This will only summon their wrath. You will gain the admiration and respect of the Jocks by pushing yourself to the limit as you try to keep up with them. Bonus points are attainable if you push yourself beyond your abilities to the point of injury. If you happen to drop dead from a massive coronary, they will hoot and holler and bang on their yoga mats while they sing your praises. Unfortunately, you will not hear it because you will be dead.

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