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Yoga Schools and Styles


The Nerds

The Nerds are the geeks of the yoga world. You will know them by their endless dissecting of poses along with their nerdish tinkering and adjusting. The teachers of this style will tend to view you as a simple sub-routine in the lofty program of yoga perfection. Their grand yoga program, named True Yoga, was passed down to the disciples of the Nerd school from one of the greatest of all yoga stars: Great Great Yoga Father Super Yoga Super Star.

If you participate in this style of yoga, expect to be poked and prodded by the instructors as they adjust you endlessly. You will be abandoned in poses for long periods of time as they confer amongst themselves whether you are matching the output of their input. You will, no doubt, find them staring at you like wide-eyed zoned geeks mesmerized by an errant yoga computer program on their yoga monitor.

As they continue to examine your alignment, they will eventually pull out and consult their sacred yoga Bible, Right-On Yoga, written by their CYO (Chief Yogic Officer). The Nerds will try hard to figure out just what is needed to get you, their misbehaved sub-routine, to align and output properly. They will use tape measures, slide rules, sextants, the Global Positioning System, and possibly even a measuring device that uses the decay level of cobalt-52 to measure the positions of the subnuclear particles lurking deep within your pose.

There will be hushed, obsessed chattering, nods and shaking of heads among the Nerds as they move around and examine your pose to see if you are anywhere within the desired specifications. Once they have determined that all their input was entered correctly and have faithfully consulted their yoga Bible, they will collectively shake their heads as they confirm that the problem is obviously you. You are BAD (Biologically Alignment Dysfunctional). Being BAD will confirm that you are too underpowered, and perhaps even obsolete, to run their ideal program, Yoga Nirvana.

At the point of being determined BAD, you will be directed to a pile of props to help compensate for your total inability to align properly. You will see blankets, blocks, and straps. You will also see other props resembling medieval torture instruments, such as the wheel and the rack. Look out for their fine collection of thumbscrews, which assist the Nerds in getting your thumbs into perfect alignment. You will also notice a wall with ropes attached to it and a hook and chain suspended from the ceiling (affectionately called a Pelvic Extraction Swing). The Nerds utilize these tools as you advance in your studies or become immune to the other previous methods of alignment. You might also spy an Iron Lung in an obscure corner, though YogaDawg is not sure how the Nerds are using this at the moment. (please e-mail us if you know).

The feel and tenor of a Nerd class has been likened to attending a conference entitled "The Patterns of Interstellar Dust Particles Three Nanoseconds after the Big Bang." Others have compared it to watching paint dry. Though these classes will be boring, endlessly repetitious, and totally devoid of humor, you will nonetheless be pleasantly amused by the teacher's total lack of social skills and graces. You can enjoy watching the teachers foam at the mouth as they ridicule the Jocks for the breathing, jumping, feigning, and jabbing that is characteristic of their yoga style. But most entertaining of all will be their rants against the Emos for their use of candles, music, and incense. The Nerds will tell you they are not trying to achieve an out-of-body experience like the Emos aspire to, but rather an inner body experience.

TIP: You must never, ever ask a question in this style of yoga class. If you do, you may become victimized by the stone-faced look on the teacher's face and be labeled a "problem child" from that day forth.

BONUS TIP: Never ask the Nerds to play music, light candles, or burn incense. This will insult them greatly. The Nerds demand a sterile environment, and they will subject you to a 20-minute lecture on why they don't take part in that hippy-dippy stuff.


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