Yoga Q & A
YogaDawg receives many inquiries regarding Yoga. As the Yoga public continues to discover this amazing Yogic Guide, there has been a tendency for beginner Yogis to asked questions about Yoga that are not contained in the Guide. To address this need, Guru YogaDawg has added this Q & A section. It is hoped that this will contribute to your further understanding of Yoga.
Q: Will Yoga turn me into a hippie? -
YogaDawg: As there haven’t been any hippies around for at least 30 years, that is not possible. On the other hand, you might find yourself wandering your neighborhood naked, looking like a sadhu covered with the ashes of the dead. This might disturb the neighbors as much as the hippies did.
Q: Will I become possessed by demons or serpents if I do Yoga
YogaDawg: Only if you are a member of a Fundamentalist religious cult, a Zombie or a member of a right-wing political group.
Q. Are there any risks associated with yoga?
YogaDawg. Unfortunately yes; people do get hurt. To cite just one example: a man, let’s calls him Rodney, was a yoga teacher who was married, who one day taught a yoga class at a yoga conference along with another yoga teacher who was also married, let’s call her Colleen. Well before you know it, they were, how do you say it, ahum…, getting it on and both ended up divorcing their spouses and leaving their children bewildered and sad. So, there is always the danger of hurting people who love you if you are not careful doing yoga.
Q. What a frightful cautionary tale.
YogaDawg. Yes, so be cautious where you direct you attention if you happen to be in a class with a lot of yoga hotties doing down dogs or happy baby poses in front of you.
Q: How do I choose a yoga studio?
YogaDawg: In general, you should look for one with the slickest website since they all promise and promote the same thing.
Q: What about the studio whose website show lots of crazy stuff like molybdomancy, aura balancing, trepanation, crop circle interpretation, alien abductees counseling, snake handling, etc?
YogaDawg: Then it is an excellent studio, although don’t be surprised if the yoga teacher asks you to help assist in an emergency chakra transplant.
Q: Will practicing yoga help prevent the squirrels from stealing the tomatoes from my tomato plants in the back yard?
YogaDawg: Hummm, that’s a tough one. Unfortunately the answer is no. Nothing on the face of the earth will prevent the squirrels from stealing your tomatoes. Squirrels will eat every tomato that they lay their eyes on. When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approach, the squirrels will be in front of them eating all the tomatoes.
Q: There are so many styles of yoga, how do I choose one?
YogaDawg: Well, it quite easy actually. You could, for example, take Iyengar yoga and be in a class with a bunch of expressionless yogis hanging around waiting for the teacher to instruct them into a pose with a perfect alignment. There will be lots of bored looks as it will take forever to get them set up in a pose with all the props they will need.
On the other hand you could take an Ashtanga yoga class where there will be lots of hot and sweaty, half naked bodies who will swoon in ecstasy as they move into various tantric orgasmic poses, loudly moaning with hot ujjaya breathing as they union with the naked godhead in transcendental bliss.
Q: Wow, that description of Ashtanga yoga really got me, ummmm, excited. Is it okay to date women who are in a yoga class?
YogaDawg: That would be very unyogic. Women are not in yoga class to be bothered with men trying to get dates with them. They are there to yoke (the meaning of yoga). Besides, women think men who do yoga are either weird or gay.
Q: So I guess I am out of luck there?
YogaDawg: Now, now, no need to get so negative. That’s only true if you are a student. However, if you were a yoga teacher, then the women in the class won’t think you are weird or gay. There will be a great possibility that they will date you because women think being a yoga teacher is kind of hot.
Q: Really? How do I become a yoga teacher?
YogaDawg: Well, you are in luck. All you have to do is sign up for the YogaDawg teacher training course. This will allow you to become a certified YogaDawg yoga teacher in 2 weekends. This is a bargain at $17,989 for the complete 2 weekend course.
QMan, that’s a lot of money YogaDawg!
YogaDawg: Are you going negative on me again? Yogadawg hates it when student go negative on him. Think man, do you have parents whose retirement accounts you can bilk? How about a senile old aunt? Do you have a 401k that you can plunder? How about selling your blood? Don’t let your negative thinking get in the way of getting dates, um, I mean, missing out on becoming a yoga teacher!
Q: Yeah, you’re right, I can’t wait to sign up. Does this mean that I’ll be able to date hot yoga teacher babes also.
YogaDawg: Unfortunately no. That will only be possible if you are a yoga star. See YogaDawg’s special yoga workshop “How to become a yoga star”.
Q: Hey YogaDawg, I have one last question; why was the word ‘yoga’ chosen for the practice? It sounds so goofy.
YogaDawg: Because 'pilates' was already taken.
Q: I have found myself buying great amounts of Yoga mats when I am at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. I have had to get rid of most of my husband’s clothes to make room for all of them. He is starting to notice his stuff is missing as I make more room in his closet for my mats. How can I continue to buy more mats and not piss off my husband? - From Cindy L.
YogaDawg: Buying mats from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore is not a problem. On the other hand, we suggest that you convince your husband to install the Yoga Supercloset, available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make room for more of your mats. This might still piss him off, but not as bad as finding his clothes in boxes on the curb.
Q: I notice that lots the women are wearing thonged Yoga shorts from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore in my Yoga class. This is getting me hot. What can I do stay cool during class? - From Baron B.
YogaDawg: Concentrate on your Third Eye. By the way, can you email me the address of that studio where you are having this problem?
Q: I have been doing Yoga for many years and now have a Yoga butt. I also have a husband who is a fat slob and who now totally repulses me. How can Yoga help me with this? - From Colleen S.
YogaDawg: Send me a picture of yourself so I can ponder an answer for you. Are you close to the Hamptons by any chance?
Q: I am a fat slob and my wife has a tight Yoga butt. I am finding credit card receipts from a Yoga studio and hotel in the Hamptons. I think she is cheating on me. How can Yoga help me? - From Fred S.
YogaDawg: Humm. I suggest you just breathe and watch more TV.
Q: I’m a Yoga Star and since moving to the Hamptons after leaving my wife, I have been losing all my EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine endorsements. This is causing a serious drop in my income. Also, I am noticing lot of credit card receipts from a hotel in the Hamptons. I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. How can Yoga help me with this? - Name withheld by request
YogaDawg: Trust Karma.
Q: I do Yoga in the Nerd style and I have fallen in love with a Yogini from the Jock School. What can I do to have her notice me? - From BKS.
YogaDawg: You will need to make animal sacrifices, leaving the bloody remains at her feet. Grunting a lot in her presence will also help you to get noticed by her.
Q: I have been doing Yoga for several years now and people say I am as shallow and trite as ever. Since I love lip gloss and shopping for Yoga stuff at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore, I don’t think that makes me shallow and trite. In fact, I just bought a pink yoga mat because everyone at my studio has a lavender one. I mean, like hello, how can anyone possibly think I’m shallow. Do you think I am trite and shallow? Do you think my Lavender chakra is out of balance? From Kimberly W.
YogaDawg: Yes and yes.
Q: I am a famous star that has starred in movies and music videos making believe I do Yoga. As my fans are getting tired of this routine, is there anything in the ancient Yoga texts that will tell me what to do next? From M.
YogaDawg: Probably not. My suggestion would be to try Kabala or try working a crucifixion into your act. Good luck on your journey.
Q: I’m a lawyer representing Yoga Stars, the Coalition of Yoga Bloggers, the U.S. Product Safety Board and the country of India in a class action suit against you. I have been trying to get in touch with you but cannot as the address, email and phone numbers on this web site are bogus. Even though we were able to connect to your off-shore order and customer care, we were at a lose as they only spoke Mandarin. Be assured that we will find you. When we do we will move quickly to prosecute you for slander and other misconduct against my clients.
NOTE: This Q&A is temporarily down due to technical difficulties.
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