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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

Pistol Packin’ Yoga

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Yoga Gazette

A new variation of Yoga made its appearance recently when a Yogi in Texas initiated the world’s first gun mandatory Yoga studio. This studio requires all Yogis to carry a loaded weapon while practicing within the studio.

Earl of San Antonio, President of the Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga known as TAMPOY (see Yoga Declared 'Not Gay") has initiated this guns only policy in his YoGuy Yoga studio because, as he explained, “I want to insure that Yoga studios don’t turn into defenseless shooting galleries. There are too many crazies, criminals and terrorists out there. I mean let’s face it, even some of those Yoga students coming to class don’t seem quite right in the head. It’s the ones with the lavender mats and pastel colored Yoga clothes that have me most concerned.”

Earl has developed a unique series of Yoga poses that seem to concentrate on the Yogi’s inner gun-fighter. The poses include the:

PistolPackingMamanasana
TriggerHappyansana
ShotInTheFootasana
LockAndLoadasana
OKCoralasana
SonOfAGunasana
PistolWhippedasana
ItchyTriggerFingerasana
StickUmUpasana
BangBangasana
NRAsana
PassTheAmmoasana
KillBambiasana
WhenGunsAreOutlawedOnlyOutlawsWillHaveGunsasana

When asked if a Yogi could practice in the studio if they don’t own a weapon, Earl replied, “Who the hell in America doesn’t own a gun? That’s the craziest ass shit I ever heard.”


Yogis practising ItchyTriggerFingerasana



Yoginis practising NRAsana


"Nameste, Motherfuckers!" Earl of San Antonio teaching the finer points of StickUmUpasana.

 

New Full Length Meditation Movie is a Success

Segwan Bagg
For Yoga Entertainment Today

In the tradition of 4'33" by John Cage, Empire by Andy Warhol and the White Paintings by Robert Rauschenberg , YogaDawgs Bliss is a quirky 93 minute film that resides at the intersection of Yoga and Art. This crossover film has both Yogis and artists raving while Hollywood is scratching its head over the popularity of this hybrid film that combines the Yoga experience with a Minimalist art flavor.

This film is being distributed by the independent YogaDawg Productions (watch Who is YogaDawg). "I took the movie to every major studio in Hollywood and every one passed," said YogaDawg, the filmmaker behind Bliss. "Hollywood did not recognize the large size of the Yoga movement and so they missed the boat”, he added.

Ms. Chasse, the spokesperson for Universal Films, is not convinced that doors are opening for this type of film. "I’m hearing that the film was a fluke", she said. "I tend to believe that it is only the genius of YogaDawg that made this film a success”.

The film drew gross revenues of more than $53 million; not bad for a film with no action, dialog or actors.

Praise for YogaDawgs Bliss:

That film made me even more enlightened…Swami Baba Ramdev

That film made me think. Now I think of kind of nuts!…Newly Reincarnated Osho

Best damn 93 minute nap I had in a long time…Earl of San Antonio


Three scenes from the film Bliss

 

YogaDawg Spotted in New Jersey

Barnacle Bill
For Beach Yoga News

YogaDawg, the renegade yogi and yoga fugitive (see Where is YogaDawg ) was recently spotted in Ship Bottom aka Long Beach Island aka In The Middle of No Where aka Where the Fuck Am I, New Jersey.


Allegedly having been caught on video on two separate occasions, it is now suspected that YogaDawg is using a network of yoga studio ‘safe-houses’ that harbors known yoga humorists and yogi satirists. One of the videos, shot from a surveillance camera from the front of the Shore Nuff Diner (not to be confused with the Shore Fine Diner, a block north or the Shore’s Dandy Diner, a block south) , catches a shadowy figure entering a yoga studio in this small New Jersey shore town. When the owner of this yoga studio was confronted by a reporter from the local paper, “The Oh Shore”, about whether this was the wanted fugitive YogaDawg, she replied, “I ain’t talkin”. When pressed that her studio hosted a presentation that very day by Edward Clark (another yoga funny man, yoga master and creator of the brilliant yoga comedy, Kill the Guru), the “Insects”, she replied, “Yea right. What are ya', some kinda' comedian?”

Surveillance camera catches a mysterious figure entering a yoga studo that some claim is the yoga fugitive, Guru YogaDawg

In the meantime, another video has surfaced that shows the same shadowy figure walking the beach earlier in the day which was accidently caught by a vacationer. Coming forward, this vacationer, Joey Banafano, said of the video, “Well, you know I was shooting videos of the babes on the beach when this dude in black walked by and he did this really weird thing. When I showed it to my wife, who does yoga by the way, she said, “My God, I think that's the fugitive YogaDawg and that’s not a weird thing he’s doing, that’s a half sun salute”. She convinced me to turn over the video to the "Organization Against Yoga Slander" who had a ransom on his head for like 5 bucks ;so I turned the video over to them; what am I stupid? Hey, by the way you want to buy a Rolex. Check out these gold chains…”

Is this Guru YogaDawg seen on the beach doing a Sun Salutation?

Background Note: YogaDawg aka Guru YogaDawg aka Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg has established a radical yoga organization called YIPS (Yoga Is Phunny Shit) after his yoga blog was suspended due to complaints by “conservative yoga associations”, yoga stars and Tom Cruise. Previous attempts by YogaDawg to establish a yoga organization, such as his YISVW (Yoga Is So Very Weird), had failed to catch on because, as some yogis have explained, “That organization just wasn’t that funny”.

 

Ex-Gov Spitzer – Further Revelations

Jimmy Olsen
For Yoga Crime Chronicals

On the heels of the investigation involving Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer over the call-girl scandal, another revelation has come to light regarding Spitzer’s secret life outside the governor’s office. Investigators have revealed that the ex-governor, in addition to having liaisons with prostitutes in a Washington DC hotel, had also apparently been engaged in partner yoga in an Eastern Shore yoga studio. The Yogic Love Shack yoga studio, located by a mosquito infested marsh outside Golden Hill, MD (a 2 hour drive from DC), is home to a style of yoga that involves using partners.

While some in the small town have reported seeing black limousines out there by the Yogic Love Shack from time to time, most dismissed them as pols from Washington going duck hunting. “I knew there was some funny stuff going on out there, but I thought it was just Chaney (Vice President Dick Chaney) shooting up barns and road sign that he likes to do when he comes out here”, explained Hal Cromwell (Organizer and president of the Muskrat Beauty Pageant).

In any event, investigators said Spitzer was clearly a repeat customer who spent thousands of dollars on high-priced partner yoga workshops over an extended period of time. It was also said that some of the money even went towards private yoga sessions with a yogini named Shakti.

What is remarkable about all this is the fact that the FBI has videotape showing Spitzer engaging in partner yoga. “We knew that he was indulging in some kind of perversion over there in that shack, but couldn’t decide what we should focus on, prostitution or partner yoga”, explained agent Ben Miller. “I mean, that assisted Down Dog he was doing was pretty sick,” he added.

In the court papers, a Yogic Love employee was quoted as telling Shakti that Client 9 — Spitzer, according to investigators — "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe," and Shakti responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want to do headstand?"

 


The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore


Buddy "Sundance" Lee - Owner of the Yogic Love Shack

 

Caution: Must be 18 or older to view. Extreme depravity depicted.

Alledged surveillance tape of Ex-Gov Eliot Spitzer engaging in partner yoga in the Yogic Love yoga studio

 

Patanjali Appears in Fast Food Restaurant

Iceda Light
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Yogis are flocking to a McDonalds in Gering, Nebraska where Patanjali is said to have appeared to people.

The apparition is taking place above the checkout counter of the restaurant. Yogis say that Pantanjili has been appearing to them on a regular basis over the past six months. Yogini, Rita Gomez, who is part of the ever growing group of Yogis that has encamped in the restaurant, said, "The vision usually begins when handed the McDonald bag that had a women doing the Tree pose on it. When they look up above the menu, they say Pantanjali appears and speaks to them."

After Patanjali spoke to one 14-year-old girl, she began and completed the entire Secondary Series (a series of poses done in the Ashtanga style of Yoga). Yogi, Emmanuel Duchamp, 38, said he saw Patanjali appear. When asked what he spoke about, Mr. Duchamp said “Super size that".

The Yogis have been doing asanas in the back of the restaurant during normal business hour. John Mattins, manager of the restaurant, when asked if this was a bit strange, he agreed it was odd but as long as they purchased something, he was okay with it. He added, "They are just a group of devoted Yogis who come here each day to do their thing. There has never been any other strange business going on that has ever given us cause for concern. We are keeping an open mind”.

It is reported that there have been no other sightings of Patanjali in any other McDonalds.

Patanjali apparition at a fast food restaurant in small Nebraska town.

 

New Yoga Music CD is a Hit

Marsha Bloom
For Yoga Industry News

Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is a new exciting Kirtan CD that is being spun not only in Yoga studios around the world but also climbing in the pop music charts. Praised as “an unsurpassed adventure in concept, sound and songwriting”, this revolutionary ‘Yoga music’ CD has captured both the Yoga and pop market by surprise. From the title song’s blasts of loud yogic Ujjayi breathing and fuzz sitars to the multi-channeled chanting and long, dying primal scream at the end of tune, 'That’s Hot (Yoga)', the thirteen tracks on Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is the next evolution in the Yoga music.

Consisting of a trio of rehab pop divas; Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and one Celebutante; Paris Hilton, this Kirtan quartet that goes by the name of The YogaDawgs, is creating buzz in the Yoga industry. “This is one insane album. It’s the only thing the students want me to play in the studio,” explained Gobdev, owner of 'Say it ain’t Yoga' Yoga studio. With songs having been penned by all four members of the group; 'I don’t want to go to Yoga', 'Fuck me Lululemons', 'Monkey man, Hanuman' (Amy Winehouse); 'Opps – I varted again in Happy Baby pose', 'Get Naked Yoga', 'Toxic side angle Twist' (Britney Spears); 'Confession of a broken Yogi', 'Anything but Headstand' (Lindsey Lohan) and 'That’s Hot (Yoga)' (Paris Hilton), this CD has something for every Yogi.

How The YogaDawgs came together to record this CD has been a bit of a mystery, but sources close to the singers say that they had all apparently come under the spell of the elusive and controversial, GuruYogaDawg, while they were in rehab (See Britney Does YogaDawg and Paris Does YogaDawg). The biggest surprise of the group was the addition of Paris Hilton. While not a ‘pop diva’, Hilton’s little known 2002 CD, Paris, reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week. As Winehouse explained, “Hey, that bitch can play a mean tambourine.” Asked how they choose the name of the group, Britney Spears replied “We were going to call ourselves the “Rehabs” but that was already taken.”

Cynical critics have attributed the success of the CD to the multi-billion dollar Yoga industry and the lucrative Yoga music circuit. “Everyone knows that there is money in that scene. This is the first ever Yoga/ pop music cross-over sensation,” explained John March of Pop MusicToday. “Just as drugs, sex and rock and roll produced the Beatles Sergeant Pepper record 40 years ago; this YogaDawgs CD is what booze, rehab and Yoga produced today. It’s so whacked. With everyone in America doing Yoga, no wonder it’s a hit. I need some blow!"

Meanwhile, Natalie Cole, who had trashed Amy Winehouse for winning 4 Grammys this year, was asked what she thought about this CD. “What is this monstrosity? I am so sick of these skinny ass, crack hos. And what the fuck is yoga?” she replied.



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