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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

Yoga Addictions Spike

Mark Bishop
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

In a disturbing trend, the United Council on Yoga Addictions reports seeing more Yoga addictions occurring amongst the middle class. Though the UCYA is at a lose to explain this increase, the story of 38 year old Melissa Jeffers of Sunnyvale, CA, might shed some light on the problem.

Melissa explained her harrowing plunge into Yoga addiction this way; "It all started when I saw Rodney Yee on Ophra", she started. "The very next day, I took my first Yoga class at the YWCA and before you knew it, I was taking Yoga classes in every studio that I could find between LA and San Francisco. My family started to wonder what was happening to me as I was rarely home. Those Yoga classes were like crack. I drained the family bank account paying for bulk class passes in all those studios and eventually quit my job because I just wanted to do Yoga day and night. Eventually, I blew through our 401k going to Yoga conferences and workshops around the country. My husband finally divorced me and took the kids".

And yet Melissa had not hit bottom at that point, as she added, "I knew that I needed to get help when I found myself begging for Yoga classes on the streets in Mysore, India. I had gone there because I wanted to take Yoga classes with real Indian Yogis".

EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine is happy to report that Melissa is on the road to recovery now, staying in a half-way house for recovering Yoga addicts. When asked if she has any advice for people to help them avoid the experience she had, she simply said, "Do Pilates"!

Yogi begging for Yoga classes

 

Yoga Declared ‘Not Gay’

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Gazett
e

The Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga declared a proclamation today that “Yoga is not gay”. Earl of San Antonio, Texas (when asked his last name he replied,” We’re friendly down here in ol’ San Antonio way, so just call me Earl”) founded TAMPOY after, as he put it,” Was sick and tired of people telling me that Yoga was "kinda gay”.

Earl said he got the idea after being razzed once too often from his male bowling buddies. It was then that he decided to start TAMPOY. When asked how many members the association had, he said 12; ten of which prefer to stay anonymous.

Earl was asked if he expected membership to grow and he explained, “That’s been kind of hard because males in Texas have a tremendous difficulty admitting they do Yoga. I was hoping that President Bush would publicly say it was okay for males in Texas to do Yoga. That would have gone quite a way of getting this issue out in the open ”.

Earl added, “By the way, we in the TAMPOY organization don’t call ourselves Yogis rather we call ourselves Yoguys; yep, we’re just regular Yoguys”.

We contacted John Martin of the Coalition for Gay Rights for comments regarding this story. His reply was, “Ooookkkaaayyyy….” and promptly hung up.

 

Group Demands Economic Stimulus Package for Yoga Studios

Amy Beniker
For The Yoga Economist

WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.

A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, “I’m old, I’m short, but I get the babes”, in apparent reference to his tall, hot, young wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.

What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. “He is one of our own”, remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. “This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy”, Jeani-ji said. “We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia.”

Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, “And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!”


Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners

 

Special Sale for Yoga Teachers: 50% off on BS Training

Antonio Valveldi
For The Yoga Education Allicance Newsletter

For any new Yoga teacher (or those wanting to advance their teaching skills), it is important that you master one of the most crucial aspects of Yoga which is not usually covered in conventional teacher training courses; the Art of Yoga BS. Critical to your success as a Yoga teacher in today’s competitive and crowded Yoga scene, it is important that you master this principal skill so that you will become a successful and prosperous Yoga teacher.

Offered through the YogaDawg College of Yoga, this training offers a solid grounding in Yoga BS. YogaDawg’s BS for Yoga Teachers will teach you how to BS in any Yoga class with no knowledge of the subject or the need to study ancient Yoga texts.

Starting with simple Yoga words and phrases such as om, transcendence, radiant, consciousness, soul, omniscience, joy, One Spirit, divine light, psychical inversion of the Spiritual, Spiritual Eye of the Seer, Lululemon Athletica, black Manduka Yoga mat or even Yoga Industrial Complex, you will soon begin to weave them into complex, compelling and seemingly profound gibber. By the end of the course you find yourself able to say things like:

“Faith must be supplemented by Yoga; while Yoga must be led as well as studied before the full meaning can be understood. The awakening of Spiritual Consciousness can only be understood, in measure, as it is entered into Yoga.”

or

“The recognition of the three worlds while resting in Child’s pose leads us to realize ourselves; and all life; as of the Soul of Yoga. As we dwell, not in past, present or future, but in the Eternal, we become more at one with Yoga."

or

“Doing Yoga poses, the total of the phenomena, possess as their property; Manifestation, Action, Inertia; the qualities of force and matter in combination. These, in their grosser form, make Yoga cool and trendy.”

or even

“The whole outer world exists for the purposes of Yoga and finds in this, its true reason for being a Yogi. Shopping at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore encompasses the grades or layers of the Three Potencies of Yoga. Yoga stuff then becomes Defined, Un-Defined or On Sale. So always look for that with distinctive marks known as logos; finding these on sale are even better”.

Never again be thrown or rendered speechless when one of your students has the audacity to ask something like, “What exactly did Pantanjli mean in Chapter 1, Sutra 2 of the Yoga Sutras when he wrote, "Yogas citta vrtti norodhah"? Be assured that you will now be able to answer such questions with confidence and cunning wisdom.

By enrolling in the YogaDawg BS for Yoga Teachers, you will be offered bold techniques such as the patented NTNF (Not true, not false) Technique. This technique will perfect you in the practice of asserting whatever the student knows to be true, is false (or false, is true). With the contention that the ancient Yogis didn’t know as much as the current American Yoga Stars (and backed by the authoritative Yoga resource, Yoga Journal), you will have those neurotic students who ask such questions, believing that you are the source of a new trendy Yoga philosophical approach.

So, enroll today at YogaDawg’s College of Yoga (classrooms in most major Yoga studios world wide) and save 50% during this one-day sale.


Certificate awarded after successful completion of BS training for Yoga teachers

 

Mafia Runs Chicago Yoga Market, U.S. to Take Control of Studios

Dick Tracy
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Federal prosecutors filed a lawsuit yesterday seeking to seize control of several Yoga studios in Chicago, declaring that they are dominated by the Mafia. Expanding the use of Federal racketeering laws, the civil suit asked a Federal court to appoint supervisors to oversee the operations of the busy Yoga studios and its main union, The United Yoga Workers Local 459 of the A.F.Y.L (American Federation of Yoga Laborers).

The prosecutors, asserting that Yoga class prices were being driven up by racketeering, the suit described both the studios and the union as "captive" organizations of the Om Capone Yoga crime family. "The Government has filed a racketeering suit to put the Yoga studios under court supervision", said Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the United States Attorney in Chicago.

At a news conference to announce the suit, Mayor Daly said he had initiated the investigation three years ago when a friend who operates a Yoga studio told him of being required to make payoffs to “shady characters wearing high-end Yoga clothing and gold Om necklaces”. Much of this activity has been centered around three studios in particular; the Stugots Yoga Studio, the Gabagool Shala and Goomba Om Yoga Studio.

Asked how it came to be that the mafia targeted Yoga, the mayor replied, “Yoga is a multi-billion dollar industry. Seeing a drying up of gambling "revenue" due to the new family friendly atmosphere of Chicago as well the lose of drug ‘revenues” from the gentrification of major parts of Chicago, the Om Capones decided to target the lucrative Yoga market”. The mayor clarified, "It's like when Jessie James was asked why he robbed banks and his reply was,'that’s where the money is', well so it appears with Yoga”.

 

 

Madonna Does Yoga in India - Requests Villagers to Vacate

Brother Satya
For India Yoga Magazine

DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.

Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. “I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga”, Mr. Tamil explained. “Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky”, Mr. Tamil added.

This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, “I want you all to leave!” All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.

Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna’s request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.

When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, “Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don’t know where we would move all the people.”


Dechu as seen before Madonna does Yoga


Dechu after Madonna requests the village be vacated so she can practice Yoga

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