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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

NYC Mayor to Yoga Studios: Lose the Incense

Betty Fontana
For New York Yoga Magazine

Fresh from the victory of having tran fats banned from all restaurants in the city, Mayor Bloomberg has called for all New York City Yoga studios to stop the burning of incense. “We consider this a major health issue”, he said. “We have made major strides in the health of our citizens by banning cigarettes from bars and restaurants and now tran fats used in cooking. Burning incense and second hand incense smoke is the obvious next step”, he added. He will introduce legislation next week.

When the owners of major Yoga studios in New York City were contacted regarding this announcement, their comments ran along the lines of; “he’s nuts”, “cuckoo”, “whack job” and “WTF???”

Mayor Bloomberg said that he had “no intention of outlawing incense all together. What people do in their own homes is their business”, he said, “but once they exhibit that behavior in a public Yoga studio, we intend to put a stop to it”.

When reporters asked if there was anything else he might ban, Bloomberg quipped, 'Oh and while we are on the subject of Yoga studios, we are starting to look at the health hazards equated with rented Yoga mats in studios. Besides being smelly and disgusting, they are jeopardizing the health of New York city Yogis."

 

Tree Pose Seen on Tree

Tereese Treese
For EternalBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Behind a non-descript building in suburban Minneapolis, several Yoga participants are seeing an eerie likeness of a Yogi doing the tree pose on the peeling bark of a 50-foot pine tree. Though there is some dispute who the likeness is of, there is no disputing that the image is that of a person doing a Yoga pose. The image is fueling speculation and wonder in the insular world of Yoga practitioners. There is a belief that somehow a great Yoga spirit is looking down and protecting this area of Minnesota.

John Schuster, who has spent more than 30 years at the helm of the Okie-Dokie Yoga studio, first spotted the likeness when he decided to do some yoga poses in the outdoors. “I decided I wanted to do a tree pose out by that tree and was flipped out when I focused my dristi (a Yoga focal point) on the bark of the tree when I suddenly noticed a figure doing the tree pose on the tree.” He added, “It was kind of spooky to be doing a tree, while seeing a tree on a tree”.

Though Mr. Schuster claims the figure on the tree looks like BKS Iyengar (a famous Yoga Star), others aren’t so sure. Brenda Stephens, a 27-year-old “Yoga assistant” at the studio thinks it looks like Shiva Rae (another Yoga Star), while Jenni-Ji, a student swears it looks like Rodney Yee (another Yoga Star). Even non-yogi Hari Houdini claims to see the figure, but he said it looks more like Ronald McDonald.

The tree is guarded by a barricade with a single candle, Om symbols and copy of two famous Yoga tomes, “My Third Eye Itches” and “Right On Yoga”. They have been placed by well-wishers who practice nearby. Mr. Schuster commented, “I guess when it starts talking, then we will really be freaked out."


Tree pose on a tree - Reporters notice a cross in the background


Close up of the tree on a tree

 

 

Yoga Lifts Off

Deb Stanvana
For Yoga WorldFlight News

In the first documented case of a Yogi levitating during a Saturday morning Yoga class, John Depakin of Dayton, Ohio, found himself airborne for several minutes.

"It kind of freaked me out to be quite honest with you", he said. "We were doing the Yoga pose, Bumblebee, while I repeated the mantra, 'Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee'. I felt like a bit of an idiot when our instructor told us to flap our arms while we repeated this mantra. But it was shortly thereafter that I lifted off the ground."

The Bumblebee is a Yoga pose that Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg claims he discovered written on a banana leaf manuscript in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library. He subsequently claimed that it was devoured by rats that prowl the stacks down there. When asked how such an ancient text came to be found in the Baltimore Public Library, he said that the old merchants of Baltimore City must have brought it back from India or maybe some pirates.

In another development, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (founder of TM which has it own flying Yogis) has acknowledged that students at the Maharishi University of Management in Fairfield, Iowa have been spontaneously levitating from their desks when they have been logged on to the YogaDawg.com website. "Apparently, that web site has really lightened them up", he said. "After two years of study and countless academic papers validating this phenomenon, we have decided to add the textbook, My Third Eye Itches - A Yogic Guide, to the curriculum next to the Vedas, the Bhagavad-Gita and the Yoga Sutras. It obviously contains great truths".

Photo of a Yogi levitating in a Saturday morning Yoga Class at the NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudios.

 

Fundamentalist Yogis Emerge

Betty Handley
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

A new phenomenon is developing within the American Yoga world; the rise of Fundamentalist Yogis. These practitioners have started appearing at Yoga studios a little over a year ago and have become a distraction according to Yoga studio owners, teachers and students.

The Fundamentalist Yogis (they refer to themselves as True Yogis) apparently grew out of a reaction to the overly commercialized and trivialized contemporary Yoga scene today. These Yogis have not only taken on the beliefs and dress of the sadhus of India but are also doing Yoga according to the first recorded ancient text of Yoga, the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. They have begun appearing in Yoga studios sometimes wearing nothing more then loin cloths and carrying tridents. They feel that the pastel colored Yoga mats and expensive chi-chi Yoga clothing is an abomination of the practice of Yoga. Some of these Yogis have an ashen tone to their skin from the ashes that cover their bodies which they claim are the ashes of the dead. When one of the Fundamentalist Yogis was asked if the ashes were from humans, that Yogi only smiled.

Cathy Freeman, a yoga student, whose yoga class has been visited by a Fundamentalist Yogi commented, “The ashes are weird but the trident he was carrying gave me the creeps.” She added, “He did have a nice ass though”. Jasmine-ji, the owner of the Laughing Buddha Yoga studio which has also been visitied by Fundamentalist Yogis said, “I know, as Yogis, we are suppose to be accepting of all Yogis, but these guys are freaking my customer out. It’s bad enough that they don’t bring Yoga mats to practice on, but the fact that they leave all those ashes all over the studio floor has become a nightmare to clean up after. Plus”, she added, “they’re kind of smelly”.

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A Fundamentalist Yogi with a trident rushing to a Yoga class in New York City


A Fundamentalist Yogi practising in a New York City Yoga class.

 

Paparazzi Snap YogaDawg

Missy Enders
For Yoga Entertainment Today

The Yoga world is abuzz with the news that the paparazzi have snapped several pix of the elusive and controversial Guru YogaDawg practicing Yoga. In the past, using advanced Yogic Siddhas, YogaDawg has managed to elude the paparazzi by walking through walls, levitating out windows or completely disappearing before his picture could be snapped. Though these pictures are fuzzy, they are believed to be the real deal.

Reactions to the photos seem to run along the lines of surprise, delight and awe. Jackie Seng, a Yoga student, summed it up best, “I nearly fainted when I saw the photos, YogaDawg is hotter then we ever imagined. My girlfriends and I have been walking around in a daze all week. We also noticed that our Yoga has improved substantially. We love those cool hand mudras that he's using ”.

When Romey Satcha, President of the Council Against the Deformation of Yoga was asked to comment on this story, his reaction was, “What is this BS? Doesn’t anyone see that this is a blatant attempt to sell his stupid t-shirts? This guy is a menace to Yoga”!

Rare photos of YogaDawg

 

Yoga News Special Report - First Chakra Transplant Performed

Zio Chang
For Yoga Medical News

The world's first chakra transplant was successfully carried out today by a team of 5 yoga teachers and several 200-hr teacher trained assistants at the Louisville General Yoga Studio, Kentucky.

The operation, which was led by studio owner Debbie Dean, was undertaken on an unnamed 54-year-old man. It took more than seven hours to complete. The donor Elsie, a 6-year-old heifer from Old McDonald's farm, had its Heart Chakra removed immediately after her death. It was rushed to the Yoga studio via Federal Express.

When questioned why the man needed a Chakra transplant versus a Chakra healing, Ms. Dean explained, "Look, this guy was turning into a grumpy old man whose piss poor attitude was upsetting everyone around him. When his wife first approached us, we thought Yoga would be enough to get a little joy out of him. But we were mistaken. We had decided that he needed some radical treatment".

Recovering well

Reading from a prepared statement on the steps of the Yoga studio, Ms. Dean said, "The patient, as far as we know, is satisfactory and recovering well". The man's wife reported that she thought she saw something like a smile on his face for the first time in 15 years. "It was kind of weak but that is to be expected since he hadn't smiled for so long". His reaction to the implant over the next 10 to 14 days is expected to be critical."

Ms. Dean, who was accompanied by the entire Chakra transplant team, said the operation lasted around two hours despite the fact they were working together for over seven hours. She added, "We expect the patient to begin sipping Mint Juleps and cheering for his favorite horse at the Kentucky Derby in a matter of months."

When asked why the Heart Chakra from a cow was used, Ms. Dean replied, "Well in India, the cow is sacred and it is well known that the cow Chakras are identical to those in the human being, so they can be transplanted". Ms. Dean was also asked if regular health insurance would cover a transplanted Chakra and she explained, "Not yet, but now that other Yoga studio owners see this as a new potential revenue stream, I'm sure that there will be a push to have this covered".

This current cost for a Chakra transplant range from $250 for the Root Chakra to $1,025 for the Crown Chakra.


Yoga patient undergoing a Chakra transplant

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