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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star




1. Initiate

Skills:

  • Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
  • Can adjust students but only once per student per class
  • Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
  • Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes

 

2. Novice

Skills:

  • Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
  • Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
  • Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
  • Has training in Yoga teacher BS
  • Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching

 

3. Ascetic

Skills:

  • Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
  • Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
  • No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
  • Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
  • Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.

 

4. Monk

Skills:

  • Can lead teacher training classes
  • Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
  • Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
  • Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
  • Can wear elaborate saffron robes
  • May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram


 

5. Sadhu

Skills:

  • Has limited clairvoyance
  • May teach classes while being naked
  • Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
  • Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
  • Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
  • Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public


6. Guru

Skills:

  • Unlimited levitation of objects
  • Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
  • Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
  • Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
  • Fully clairvoyant
  • Masters of illusion and misdirection
  • Has the ability to summon gods and demons
  • May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet

7. Bodhisattva

Skills:

  • Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
  • Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
  • Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
  • Unlimited ability to do adjustments
  • Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
  • Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
  • May wear virtually anything or nothing

8. Yoga Star

Skills:

  • Can walk on water
  • Able to raise the dead
  • Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
  • Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class <wink, wink, nudge, nudge>
  • Able to walk through walls
  • Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
  • Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
  • Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

 

New Yoga School Established - Twister Yoga

Holy Hanna
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Anxious to consolidate its position within the American Yoga boom, Yoga Journal announced today the creation of a new School of Yoga; Twister Yoga.

With the intention of competing head to head with Jivamukti and Anusara, Twister Yoga is said to be the next logical evolution for Yoga in the U.S. “With all the new Schools of Yoga appearing almost daily (see 10,000th Yoga Style Reached), we felt it was time to create our own”, said Kaitlin Quistgaard, editor of Yoga Journal.

What makes this style of Yoga unique is that it is not practiced on Yoga mats but rather on Twister mats (These mats are found in a game called Twister). Using the profits from the wildly successful Yoga magazine, Yoga Journal bought both the rights to the game and the name Twister from Milton Bradley for $656 million dollars.

It is rumored that Yoga Journal will begin to market the Twister School of Yoga not only through it’s new flagship Yoga Studio in San Francisco (Twister Yoga Studio) but also though an innovated product that will be sold as “Yoga Journal’s, Yoga School in a Box.” It is rumored that Yoga Journal will continue to offer the standard Twister game in toy stores world wide.

Twister Yoga is performed with up to 4 Yogis per Twister mat. Employing standard Yoga poses, this style requires the student to use a spinner that matches color dots on the mats. In turn, the yoga teacher will call out Yoga poses that the student will perform on that particular colored dot. It is said that things get really exciting with poses such as tripod head stand, side angle crane and happy baby.

When asked why they feel that this style of Yoga would be successful with so many other styles in existence, Ms. Quistqaard replied, “Well if truth be told, Yoga is kind of boring. I mean that Iyengar stuff would put anyone to sleep. We at Yoga Journal feel that we are making Yoga fun and exciting.” She added, "Also be aware that we intent to create other Schools of Yoga as opportunities present themselves, so we are sure we will be able to provide a School of Yoga for everyone".

Questioned whether Yoga Journal’s entry into the Yoga School arena would jeopardize their other income streams such as the Yoga conference business and magazine advertisements, she replied, “You might have a few cry babies out there that claim we are taking money from them, but most of the Yoga Stars know which side of the bread their Yoga success is buttered on”.

In another development, Lululemon will begin merchandising a line of Twister Yoga clothing that they plan to introduce with the launch of the new Twister Yoga style at the Yoga Journal Yoga Conference in San Francisco in September.


The new Yoga School in a Box


Really cool and groovy Twister Yoga pants by Real Yogadawg Gear

 

Sixties Gurus Go On Tour

Brent Showhoggen
For Yoga Entertainment

Due to the surge in the popularity of Yoga, income has plummeted to all time lows for a group of Gurus that where once popular during the 1960 and early 1970s. As more and more disciples of these gurus are showing up in Yoga studios, the Gurus felt it was a good time to go on tour.

The group consists of Franklin Jones aka Da Free John aka Adi Da aka Adi Da Samraj; Maharishi Mahesh Yogi aka Maharishi; Guru Maharaj-ji and the newly reincarnated Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh aka Osho. In addition, both Paul McCartney and Ringo will join on the tour to provide music. Tom Cruise wanted to join the group to represent L Ron Hubbard, but was informed that only live Gurus would be allowed on the tour.

Commenting on the tour, Adi Da explained it this way, “I am Me”, while Maharishi added, “Twice a day for twenty minutes”. Guru Maharaj-ji gave a puzzled look while asking, “Where did everyone go”. Newly reincarnated Osho simply said, “Waaaaaaaa”. When asked if the two surviving Beatles would be enough to perform the music, Maharishi said that he would channel George Harrison. It is expected that newly reincarnated Osho will provide primal screams.

The tour will wind through retirement communities in the southern part of the U.S. The group believes they can create some bling from former followers that had left years ago to pursue normal lives, normal jobs and to play golf on the weekends.

Tickets are available for “GuruTour 2007” through TicketTron or through the website, GoGoGuru.com.

 

 

Eighth Chakra Found

Jai Ray
For Journal of Yoga Sciences

The Yoga world is buzzing today with an announcement from the Yoga Research and Development Organization (YRDO), a wing of the Ministry of Yoga under the Government of India, to officially declare and recognize the discovery of the Eighth Chakra. This discovery has propelled India's Yoga research once again to the forefront of the Yoga world. "We realize that we have been losing ground in Yoga to the United States in the last few years, but this should prove that all those American Yoga Stars are nothing but light-weights by comparison to what we are doing here in India, quipped Pasad Gurose, Director of YRDO.

Intense research work, done day and night for nearly 9 years by the senior scientist, Dr. M.A. Padma Rao, at the Yoga Laboratory in Jodhpur led to this Chakra discovery.

Long believed that there were only seven Chakras or virtual bodies as they are known in the Yoga world, reporters asked Dr. Rao how the new Chakra had been missed for so long. "Well, it's like astrophysics, we have developed tools to allow us to see deeper in the metaphysical body." When asked where this new Chakra was located Dr. Rao pointed to his foot and said, "The sole of the foot. It was literally under our feet this whole time."

The new Chakra has been named Pluto in honor of the ex-planet Pluto. "We feel that this is an appropriate name since even though we lost the planet Pluto, we have gained the Chakra Pluto," Dr. Rao added.

Newly discovered Chakra Pluto

 

Cow Yoga

Vern Miller
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

With the popularity and saturation of Yoga among the general public, Yoga teachers have become increasingly hard pressed to find new avenues of revenue derived from their Yoga practice. However, one enterprising Yogi found a way out of this dilemma. He has started to teach Yoga to cows.

While this has raised some eyebrows in the straight-laced communities of Montana where he teaches his Yoga practice, many cattle ranchers swear by the benefits of it. “My cows are so much calmer now”, explained Guy Gusterson, a rancher in Custer county, Montana. “They seem to moo less which is a great blessing to anyone who lives on a ranch. Those cows can drive you crazy with all that mooing”, he continued. “I think Yoga makes them more circumspect”, he added.

YogaDawg, the brains behind Cow Yoga, claims his success comes from personally concentrating on each cow and telling them that they are doing a good job while at the same time letting them know if they need to improve a little bit here or there. YogaDawg is said to have a real personal touch with the cows. He realizes that each cow has their own skill level that they can work at and makes sure they never felt to be under pressure while learning Yoga.

“YogaDawg is just such a great guy, his vibes are amazing. Cows are kind of just naturally drawn to him”, mentioned Wilma Gorden, another Montana cattle rancher. “You know when we first heard about Cow Yoga, we thought is was kind of nuts. After all, cows are kind of stiff”, she explained. “But YogaDawg is very good with cows and makes them feel comfortable. He encourages them to just come as they are, gets their energy flowing” She added. An added benefit of Cow Yoga is that the cows have begun producing low-fat milk after doing Yoga and the milk from the cows is also high in health-boosting omega-3 fatty acids and makes butter that spreads as easily as margarine even when chilled.

YogaDawg explained how he came up with the idea of Cow Yoga, “Well, it was during a Cow Face (Gomukhasana) pose that I was doing when it suddenly dawned on me how stressed some cows are. Between cow mutilations from illegal aliens (the exterterrestrial kind), cow tipping (bored farm boys in rural areas who sneak up on an upright sleeping cow and then push it over for amusement) and lonely cowboys, it was obvious that cows could benefit from Yoga just as much as people”. When asked what the hardest part was about teaching cows Yoga was, he replied, “Asking them to stop chewing their cud during class”.


YogaDawg teaching cows Yoga

Cows learning the finer points of Yoga

Sheep watching the cows do Yoga

Tree Pose Older then Suspected

By Bernadette Arnaud
For Yoga Archeology Magazine

On Wednesday, Jean Michel Genameste, director of the Lascaux Cave and member of the Chauvet Cave team, announced the discovery of what appears to be a person doing the Yoga pose known as Tree (Vrksasana), in a decorated Upper Palaeolithic cave in southern France. The cave, one of the most important ever found in Europe, was discovered in September 2006, in the south of Dorgogne, by speleologist Marc Digit, who was prospecting in the Buisson-de-Cadouin area of the Dordogne. More than 100 engraved figures--mammoths, rhinoceros, deer, and, in greater numbers, horses and bison--have been identified in the cave. The uniqueness of the site's iconography comes from the size of the figures (up to 30 feet), the presence of birds as well as women in silhouette, schematic vulva depictions and now apparently Yogis.

The archaic character of the engraved Yoga figure suggests that it should be around 25,000 to 30,000 years old. Radiocarbon dating is being undertaken and results will be announced in a few weeks. When asked how such a figure ended up in a cave in France, Mr. Genameste replied, "Ah, another first for France. Those Indians have nothing on us, let alone those American Yoga Stars. This proves we have been doing Yoga at least 22,000 years before them. Viva la France! "

Photo of cave engraving that appears to be a person in Tree Pose, between 25,000 to 30,000 years old.

Photo credit: Photos by Jacque

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