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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

Leaked Memo Shows How Yogis Are Manipulated By Yoga Magazines

A leaked memo from the executive editor of a leading yoga magazine shows how intense the competition has become to get new yogis to subscribe. It shows the several techniques that yoga magazines use to lure yogis in and retain their subscription. The editor is shown laying into his staff for—among other issues—trying to make it into a serious yoga publication.


Memo to all staff:

It has come to my attention that some of you are trying to make VOGA into a serious yoga magazine. I ask you all to remember our mission statement: “Sell yoga crap and bury Yoga Journal”. To stay competitive within the current climate of pop yoga magazines and yoga blogs, I insist that you adhere to the guidelines established though our research department regarding the American yoga market. Going forward all content will observe the following:

1. The use of the words sex and naked or associated words will be used in all titles regardless of article.

2. The use of sexually suggestive images will be used in all articles regardless of content.

3. Only slim white women will be depicted in the magazine doing yoga (others may be used in before and after photos in weight lose ads or pointing out what they will look like if they don’t buy our magazine).

4. Never make reference to old people, males or anyone of ethnic origin other than Caucasian nor use photos of said people doing yoga. This is why Yoga Journal is kicking our asana.

5. Post all sexually inappropriate images in black and white so if people hammer us for exploiting sex in our ads, we can claim it’s art (men will usually claim this anyway, but it’s the 85 % of women that we get our revenue from and need to keep happy).

6. Reference a celebrity that practices yoga at least twice per issue (there is an endless supply).

7. Create controversy (remember we are here to make $$$ and not to be experts on yoga) by making a statements of being in favor of:

a. The commercialization of yoga

b. Eating meat (and drinking wine). Smoking cigs or pot will also get a rise out of most yogis

c. High end yoga clothes (lululemon) and worthless yoga accessories (ie yoga sox)

d. Music in yoga class (hee hee, everyone has an opinion on this so it is worth its weight in letters to the editor)

e. Partner poses (there is always an abundance of anti-social yoga people who break out in a cold sweat when they hear the words, “Okay, pick a partner for the next pose”)

f. Yoga is a business and has no place in assuring teachers a living (or better still, suggest yoga teachers should not be paid and they should do it just for their love of yoga)

8. Always mention that we have the twice the ads and the slimmest yoga babes with half the yoga articles and half the words then Yoga Journal (They just want a fantasy about looking like the women on the cover and in the ads anyway). Remember we are going after the 12,000,000,000 new yoga newbies who want to buy all that yoga crap our advertisers are pushing.

9. If you are stuck for words or ideas for an article, just cut and paste a post from a yoga blog. They all copy each others ideas anyway so no one will be the wiser.

10. To get the yoga fundamentalists fired up and writing the magazine, once every few months, post an article that claims:

a. Yoga is not spiritual
b. Yoga is not for Hindus
c. Yoga is a sport (or just for stretching or exercise)
d. Chanting sucks
e. In other months just claim the opposite so you have the ‘new-school’ yogis in a rage (as I’m sure I don’t have to remind you, the only bad publicity is no publicity)

11. For yoga tribal responses, always post one of the following to get the followers of a particular yoga school riled up and creating buzz by getting reposted to yoga blogs:

a. Hot yoga causes global warming
b. Copywriting yoga styles or routines is anti-yoga
c. Such and such school is not real yoga
d. You don’t need a bandana to practice yoga

12. Most importantly never really talk about Indian yoga (you know the kind they have in India) and for god sakes, don’t mention or use any Sanskrit. We don’t want to scare away our core customers.

Any staff member that ignores these guidelines will be assigned to the t-shirt packing division on the hot side of the room. Additionally, any staff member that I catch calling me a dick behind my back will also be assigned to the t-shirt packing division (yes I’m talking to you MadDawg).

Guru YogaDawg
Executive Editor and Publisher
VOGA Magazine

 

Research Show Changes In The Brain Through Yoga

Brain research has at last produced concrete evidence that yoga can change the physical structure of the brain. Recently, researchers at the New Delhi University working with advanced yoga masters have been able to translate those yoga experiences into the scientific language of high-frequency gamma waves and brain synchrony. And they have pinpointed the center of the prefrontal cortex, an area just behind the forehead as the place where brain activity associated with yoga is especially intense.

"What we found is that longtime yoga practitioners show brain activation on a scale we have never seen before," said Raj Swaramicory, a neuroscientist at the university's Yoga Laboratory for Functional Brain Imaging and Behavior. "Their yoga practice is having an effect on the brain."

The yogis were fitted with a net of 256 electrical sensors and asked to do yoga for short periods. Swaramicory said that the results unambiguously showed that yoga activated the brains of the yogis. Swaramicory found that their brain activity, as measured by an EEG, was especially high in this area. "What we found really kind of shocked us because those EEGs showed something in the yoga brain, that is actually physically different from the non-yoga one," he said.

“That this change takes place in the approximate location of the fabled yogic third eye is mind-blowing. Now I know what the light of yoga must look like for these yogis,” Swaramicory concluded.

The brain of a person doing yoga on the right versus a person not doing yoga on the left, showing physical differences


Detail of the section of the brain showing the physical change with the practice of yoga

 

Obama Calls On Yogis To Help With Cleanup Of The Gulf

With a feeling of hopelessness in the country due to BP’s inability to stem the flow of oil into the gulf, President Barrack Obama has asked Yogis with Shovels to head to the Gulf to battle the worse environmental disaster in US history.

Yogis with Shovels was born out of the desperate times two years ago when the country fell into the worst economic crisis since the great depression. This ‘shovel ready’ program mobilized yogis in suburbs and the gentrified areas of major cities to save yoga studios against economic mayhem and closures. With the rallying cry of “No Yoga? No Way!”, masses of unemployed yoga teachers, students, yoga divas and studio pretty-boys were organized into tight knit groups to save not only yoga studios but Yoga America and their beloved yuppie-yoga life-style.

President Obama has also enlisted the help of Michele Obama and Harry Reid to lead this effort by sending them to a special yoga training facility to be instructed in advanced yoga poses such as Shovelasana and OilBeGoneasana by an unnamed yoga guru. Obama commented, “I believe that the audacity of yoga is our best chance of saving the gulf.”


Michele Obama and Harry Reid practicing Shovelasana while an unknown yoga guru looks on

 

Group to Stop Yuppification of Yoga

What started a couple of years ago as a rogue movement of fundamentalist yogis making a stand against the increasing bastardization of yoga, has blossomed into an organized grassroots movement against yoga’s excesses. This movement, comprised of disgruntled yoga practitioners, has solidified with the formation of a group called Stop Yuppie Yoga United Front (SYYUF).


Poster put out by the "Stop Yuppie Yoga United Front" organization


This group of self-styled yoga purists is calling for a return to yoga’s roots; to a time when before the yuppie yogis (according to the group a yuppie yogi is a highly yuppified individual whose main interest in yoga is the fabled “yoga butt”) took it for their pastime. SYYUF feels that yoga has been turned into a circus side show; having been brutalized beyond recognition and had its so-called ‘spiritual heart’ turned into a yuppie play thing. Using tactics similar to other fanatical groups, these yogis have placed manifestos, flyers and posters outside yoga studios, yoga clothing stores and yoga conferences. They also allegedly tacked a treatise written on a pink yoga mat to the doors of a leading high-end yoga studio in New York City


The NYC yoga studio which had the treatise against yuppie yoga attached to its doors recently.

Their treatise read:

The yuppie yogi is a slacker; a pretty girl/boy, shaved, sexed and clothed in high end yoga togs whose soul is void of the yogic spirit. The yuppie yogi is the devil; scrapping and bowing before the cesspool of the Industrial-Yoga-Complex while spouting regurgitated propaganda of unity, happiness and harmony that they found in pop-yoga magazines. These semi-educated yuppies, espouse the simulated experience of yoga “stuff” while their brains are filled with fluff and the repugnant rambling of the scores of clueless yuppie yoga teachers.

"The true yogi is not a nice man or women, concerned only with yoga’s popularity and trendiness. The true yogi shouts unpleasant truths from the mats of countless yoga studios and forces upon the yuppie yogi the ghastly consequences of surrounding their bodies and souls to a narrow minded and timid yoga elite who too long has perverted the concept of yoga.“

"The true yogi does not stand in tadasana in famous yoga studios; nor chant Om among the mindless yuppie yogis participating pop-kirtans, nor pranam before a pimp-celebrity, bobo yoga star. Stop Yuppie Yoga NOW!!

SYYUF feel they are stalwarts for the prevention of further atrocities against yoga perpetrated by the yuppie yoga elite and has been agitating for the disruption of what they call “the celeb-fornication of yoga.” They seem particularly disturbed with the recent trends of yoga-music festivals especially embodied in one such venue called Wanderlust. SYYUF say they want to reestablish yoga for the common yogi and is calling for direct action against mass acceptance of yoga as a false economy for the few smug manipulative yoga elite and their ensuing grip of control over yoga. SYYUF is advocating a boycott against pop-yoga studios and institutions across the land.

 

Help Save Sarah Palin's Knees

>Upon seeing the photo of Sarah Palin in Runners World in a yoga Tree pose, concerned yogis raised alarms of the possible damage to her knees due to the improper understanding and execution of this most venerable of yoga asanas. These yogis know that one should never place their foot on the knee when in the pose (as Sarah is shown doing), but rather above or below it.



As this group of yogis don't know the extent of Sarah Palin’s yoga experience nor if there is a possibility that she may be jeopardizing other part of her body due to misalignment or ignorance of other poses, an organization was formed to help Sarah from causing further damage in the name of yogic bliss. With her reputation as a maverick, this group feels that only Rodney "I did it my way" Yee (Yoga Star) will be able to get through to her so the group is requesting that you donate all your old or used Rodney Yee yoga DVDs to Ms. Palin.



Below is the group’s statement on the issue of Sarah Plain’s knees.


Help Save Sarah’s Knees PAC

Dedicated to saving Sarah Palin’s knees from the sloppy execution of Tree Pose.

SarahKneePAC believes that Sarah’s knees are in serious jeopardy.

SarahKneePAC believes that Sarah Palin’s knee bone is connected her head bone.

SarahKneePAC believes that by keeping Sarah’s knees safe, she will spend her time running around Alaska instead of running for President.

Please help save Sarah’s knees by donating your used Rodney Yee yoga DVDs (or those of other yoga stars if you don’t have any Rodney Yee DVDs) to:

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin
Right Across the Street from Russia
Somewhere North of Canada, Alaska

Bikram Choudhury – “Don’t fuck with the knees”

Sponsored by Concerned Yogis to Save Sarah’s Knees PAC


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I love your site....very funny!!....You are the Joel Mchale/Soup of Yoga - Kimberly Fowler, Yoga Spokesperson for Nike

Your site is hilarious! - Alanna, Kirtan Musician

Pretty amazing, funny site! - Deborah Koff-Chapin, Artist

 

 

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