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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.

 

Sarah Palin To Enter Yoga Ashram

Martha Washington
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine

In an exclusive interview with EternallyBlissfulYoga magazine, Sarah Palin ended the speculation over why she quit her governors’ job by explaining that she plans to move to India to join a yoga ashram. Palin explained her motives by saying, “When the piece in Runners World came out, I was expecting them just to show something normal of me, like running around Alaska. Little did I know they would leak the picture of me doing yoga. I told that gossip rag, not to mention the yoga thing because you know, the people in Alaska don’t go for that kind of thing. I didn’t realize that they tricked me in doing the pose and then put it in the story. I’m going to sue those darn people.”

The comment regarding suing “those darn people” apparently stems from a tweet she sent on July 4th threatening to sue organizations of the mainstream media for malicious gossip mongering regarding a scandal that is said to be brewing when she was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Though most commentators thought that this was an example of “drunk tweeting” by Palin; Palin denies this. “Let me say right now I did not send that when I was drunk. Do they really think that I’m that stupid?” Palin did not want to talk about the letters her lawyers sent threatening to sue the organizations but she did seem particularly livid about a blog posting that implied that she was no longer in the state of Alaska but rather on the planet Zoid. “That BS about me being on the planet Zoid really got to me. That a blogger can get away with spreading such lies and equating me somehow with a weird blogger, Lip-Gloss Yoga, just gets my goat."

EternallyBlissfulYoga magazine asked Palin how she became interested in yoga and she replied that she is a regular reader of the yoga website, My Third Eye Itches. “Todd somehow stumbled on it and showed it to me because he wanted to warn me about the weirdoes out there that I would have to placate if I became president. Well, it wasn’t long after I started reading things on that site that I became interested in yoga and started to secretly practice in a closet off the kitchen.”, she explained “Man, it was hot in there”, she added. Adding that “one thing led to another”, she mentioned to this shocked reporter that in fact she is preparing to become a yoga teacher. When asked what studio she was going to be trained in, she replied, “Well, considering that there are no yoga studios in Alaska (research by this magazine in fact uncovered that there were actually two studios in Alaska, “Really Really Cold Yoga” in Anchorage and “Mooseasana Yoga” in Juneau), I decided to go live and train in an ashram in India. Nobody knows it, but I can also see India from my bedroom window and I’d wondered what all those little people in loin cloths were doing. Well, it was yoga and I decided I would train with them since it was so much closer then going to Seattle, or God forbid, Los Angeles.”

When asked if Todd and the kids would be going with her she said, “I don’t know, but if you think I'm going to stay here and work those gosh darn fishing boats again, you are sadly mistaken. It’s bad enough the Democrats make fun of me but I’ll be darned if I'll let those halibut smelling gut scrappers make fun of me when they find out that I’m a yogi.”

Though she didn’t mention when she was going to make the move to India, she did allude to the idea that she had some business to take care in Vancouver, Canada. A source close to Palin said that in fact, she was going to the Lululemon store there to get some really cool yoga togs. “She somehow heard that those clothes promised to make her butt look great in down dog”, the source concluded.


Sarah Palin out of the yoga closet


The new Sarah Palin limited edition yoga outfit from Lululemon

 

Yogis with Shovels

Sally Juncter
For The Yoga Economist

With a nod to the Depression era WPA (Works Project Administration), the Obama administration has instituted the first ‘make work’ project intended to give people jobs and further stimulate the economy. Interesting is the fact that Obama focused on a group with specific skills for this first work project; yogis. Dubbed the YWS, Yogis with Shovels, the Obama administration seems to acknowledge the economic hit that this sector of the economy has suffered. The once darling of the American economy, the yoga sector has sustained losses due to yoga students reluctant to spend money for classes, teacher training courses and conference. As students are squeezed economically, they are cutting back on yoga related activities.

“Along with lack of funds the students have along with the new nuttiness of recent yoga developments, students are seeing more values these days in a cheap six-pack of the “Beast” (the low-end beer, Milwaukee’s Best) then in yoga, commented Jenni-ji of the organization, Yoga Trends.

Though this program will focus of recently unemployed yoga teachers and students, a rider to the bill will added that will effectively ban those who made a ‘killing’ on the yoga boom of the last few years, the yoga star. Though an effort to decide who is a “yoga star” is problematic, the bill would disallow anyone who has appeared in the yoga magazine, Yoga Journal, in the last 4 years. As Fred Thompson, the administrator of the program explained, “These people should not be rewarded on the way down since the teachers who worked for practically nothing found their income flat during the boom year. It is pretty well known in the community that it is only the stars and studio owners who made money with yoga.

Spokespeople for Obama say that he focused on yogis for this program because he wanted to build a more ‘flexible’ work force.

 

 

 

Foreclosed Homes to be turned into Yoga Studios

Robert Reich
For The Yoga Economist

The Treasury Department unveiled its long-awaited plan to tackle the ongoing financial crisis by announcing its "Foreclosed to Studio Program". This program, using taxpayer funds up to $500 billion with be used to seed partnerships with private individuals that will buy up foreclosed houses and turn them into yoga studios.

The announcement, delivered before members of Congress by Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, caused audible groans amongst the congressmen except for the lone clapping of Dennis J. Kucinich D- Ohio (a follower of Agni Yoga). With yet another blow to the already shell-shocked American public, Wall Street shrugged off those concerns by shooting up 653 on the DOW indicating that the market is clearly starved for any bit of news of a plan from the elusive treasury secretary. Though most agree that this is another hare-brained idea coming from the government, some economists think there is some merit to the plan. As recent news reports indicate, yoga continues on its growth trajectory pumping billions into the economy and fast approaching a dominance once reserved for the auto and banking industries.

Of equal interest is the genesis of this plan. Sources close to the Treasury Secretary report that Mr. Geithner came up with the idea while on a ‘fact finding’ mission on the Maryland eastern shore with a group of other high-ranking government officials. This ‘fact finding’ mission included a stop at the infamous Yoga Love Shack resort in the swamps of Wetmypants, MD, a short distance from Waeshington, DC (the very same resort that disgraced New York govenor Elliot Spitzer had visited before his fall due to a scandal with a high priced call girl).

The source mentioned that Gitner's face lit up when he saw the ramshackle shack doing a thriving yoga business and blurted out to all in the party, “That’s it!” Though the source refused to get into any detail of what went on in the resort or how long Gitner stayed there, he did answer one of the questions put to him in which he replied,” Naw, you won’t have to chant Om to get this bailout”.


The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore


Buddy "Sundance" Lee - Owner of the Yogic Love Shack

 

Is Your Child a Yogi?
St. Mary of Toledo
For Yoga is Evil Magaizine

Press Release

OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) presents its handy guide to help you quickly detect if your child is a yogi.

With its relentless march into mainstream society and the infiltration into America’s most stellar institutions; schools, playground, churches; Yoga has become a hideous blight in this country. We at OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) are committed to preventing this insidious hazard from ruining your kid’s childhood and life. We feel that the first line of defense to help children combat the war on yoga are their parents. They are in the best position to see yoga usage in their children as well as to stop it. It is a hard process to overcome but there have been many mothers at OM-MY who have dedicated themselves with this serious problem. Through their dedication and persistence, children and their family have fought the yoga battle and won.

The first step in stopping this disgusting aberration is to become familiar with the styles of yoga that are practiced today. OM-MY will supply you with information on the various styles (also called Schools) of yoga, what they looks like, side effects, terminology, lingo, and of course keeping parents updated on other information about other new styles of yoga emerging out in your children's world.

If you want to be successful in warning your child about the dangers of yoga, then start by talking to them about yoga at an early age. It has been suggested that parents start as early as three or four to help keep them from practicing yoga in the future. This early start can give your child a fighting chance against peer pressure (and also from teachers that are involved in this heathen practice) once he or she enters kindergarten and grade school. This little edge might assist your child in making a very important decision about doing yoga.

There are certain signs that may suggest that your child is doing yoga. These include, physical evidence, physical or biological signs, and behavioral changes.

Physical evidence is an obvious way to tell that your child may be involved in yoga.

Have you found any exotic yoga paraphernalia in their room or on their persons such as:

- Yoga mat and/or yoga mat bag
- Block or colorful strap
- Neti pot
- Vedic trident
- Alms bucket
- Loin cloth
- Yoga class pass
- Incense *

* Even though incense is associated with the practice of yoga, please be aware that it might just indicate your child is doing drugs which we feel is perfectly acceptable in normal childhood development.

You may also notice behavioral changes in your child. Some of the more bizarre and chilling are:

- Cheerful in the morning.
- Peaceful with an uncanny smile on their face (don’t assume that is their normal smirk).
- Initiate conversation with parents
- Found in strange positions (sometimes resembling a human pretzel and occasionally standing on their heads)
- Perfect posture while standing or sitting with an unusually straight back
- Heard making odd noises such as long ‘moaning’ that sound like Om (while not having sex)
- Loud breathing (while not having sex) This is sometimes called Ujjiyi breathing in the yoga world.
- Will walk younger siblings to school
- Grades improve
- Hangs out with new friends who are more calm and peaceful than your normal teenager
- Their eyes are open and wide (as if taking in the wonders of the world)
- They smell like spices and incense from India

Probably the most telling sign that your child might be a yogi is if you see the following on their person:

- Clothes with strange symbols on them (Om is the most popular)
- Clothes that are brightly colored and revealing
- Has a dot on their forehead
- Have tattoos of the wheel of dharma, yin yang, om and other foreign symbols

If you suspect your child is a yogi, do not "freak out". Before telling your teens how you feel or what they should do, LISTEN!!! More often than not, your teens will have a reason for doing yoga, so LISTEN. The best way to eliminate symptoms of yoga is to treat the disease. (The problems your teen has in his/her life.)

In extreme cases, an intervention might be necessary to save your child from yoga. This could be anything from holding the child in a room as members of the family persuade the child regarding the evils of yoga. In extreme case, there might be a need to call in a deprogrammer or even an exorcism. Though some children can never be saved from yoga (and sadly some ending up becoming yoga teachers or even worse, opening up a yoga studio) it is nonetheless, possible to prevent this by early yoga detection.

 

Yoga Establishes Threat System

John John
For Yoga Ain't Gay Magazine

In response to the many complaints and concerns that Yoga Alliance has received from practicing yoga students, the organization has decided to initiate an early warning 'threat' assessment requirement for yoga teachers. This volunteer system stems out of alleged abuses students have encountered from teachers while practising yoga in public studios. The complaints range from overcrowded classrooms to non-harmonious yoga music. Though it is believed that most yoga teachers oppose the enactment of a 'threat' system, students and a majority of studio owners support this as way to weed out rouge and out-of-control teachers "who insist on doing crazy ass stuff that stress out students."

Though the initial number of threat warnings will be somewhat limited, they are nonetheless the most egregious of complaints cited against teachers and some yoga studios. These include:

Crowded classrooms
Partner poses
Excessive chanting
Yoga teacher BS
Creepy yoga music

Other warnings likely to be added in the future are warnings for overpriced classes, teachers engaging in spiritual platitudes and/or labored metaphors and yoga classes that attract a high number of students who exhibit hideous yogatude tendencies.

The threat system will be voluntary for the time being but the initial guidelines have already been hammered out. Yoga studios will be required to post the level of threat that each yoga teacher poses on its website alongside the teacher's name. In addition, a yoga threat meter is to be placed on the reception desk at the beginning of each class and adjusted accordingly to the teacher that is instructing the class.

"We feel that we have now gone to the next logical step in rating teachers beyond their 200 and 500 hour certifications", explain Jenni-ji, spokesyogi for Yoga Alliance. "Without a reliable guide and tracking of a teacher's classroom behaviors, the student is at the mercy of a teachers’ idiosyncratic behavior. If we can warn yoga students about teacher’s unhealthy tendencies such as spouting unending philosophical hooey and that most feared of all yoga phrases, "Okay students, choose a partner for the next pose", we feel we have fulfilled our purpose as an oversight organization for yoga. Though we will most likely never be able to weed out all the problem teachers, we feel that students will now have a better chance of guarding themselves against yoga teachers that are simply crazy.”

All in all, yoga students seem to really like the new system. As Yogi Crocket explained, "In the past, there was no of telling what kind of crap a teacher was going to pull during class. Now at least, if the Yoga Class Advisor sign shows a high possiblity of partner poses, I can leave, then and there and go to another studio. This is brilliant! I'm a little surprised that YogaDawg didn't come up with this idea."

 

 

YogaDawg Caught on Video

Maria Hun-Sung
For Yoga Entertainment Today

With all the buzz surrounding the inauguration of Barack Obama in Washington DC, a momentous event escaped the attention of the main stream media and which has come to light only this week. It has been verified that the world renowned yoga guru, Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg has been captured on both video and in photos during a public gathering of chanting and dancing yogis in the nation’s capital. Throughout YogaDawg's controversial yoga career and his meteoric rise in popularity within the insular yet competitive yoga scene, this most elusive of all yoga stars has managed to burnish his yoga fame while keeping a non-existent public profile by avoiding yoga gatherings that attract the more pedestrian yoga stars.

In the past, using advanced yoga powers, YogaDawg has managed to elude the paparazzi and camera toting yoga tourists by walking through walls, levitating out windows, completely disappearing or using his ability to walk on the ceiling due to his perfection of the Super Fly pose.

Though there is much speculation in the yoga world as to why this most sought after yoga personality suddenly showed up in a public forum, most believe it was in celebration of a new era in the country. After eight long dog years of hysteria and shenanigans of a discredited administration, the cathartic release of light and joy of a hope for sanity within the collective consciousness and mood of the United States appears to have inspired YogaDawg to engage in some spirited howling among the yoga masses.

The professional quality of the video suggests that YogaDawg has access to professional filmmakers and there is speculation, evident from the style and boldness of the material, that the video might have been produced by the director of "Slumdawg Millionaire". There have been rumors that the director is toying with the idea of creating an avant-garde yoga cult classic titled, “Who is YogaDawg?

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