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Yoga Sutras of YogaDawg

 

Pada I. The Haha Pada

1.1 Don’t take a yoga class after eating a bean burrito

1.2 No one really knows everything about yoga, really

1.3 Buy, don’t rent a mat (unless you are really into nasty and smelly rental mats)

1.4 Don’t fuck with the knees

1.5 Specialized yoga gear will not help you be a better yogi (and are generally a waste of money)

1.6 The pains you feel when doing yoga at 35 will be nostalgic at the age of 45

1.7 At the age of 50, you will be told about senior classes

1.8 At the age of 55, the hot young yoginis are not checking you out but wondering how anybody so freaking old can still do yoga

1.9 Slippery mats suck

1.10 Wide spread leg poses are always a bad, bad, bad choice of pose in classes where the mats are only a few inches away from each other

1.11 There is a very, very, very slim chance that yoga will make you enlightened (but there might be some truth that Lululemons will make your butt look good, at least for yoginis…)

1.12 You don’t need to stick to one style of yoga

1.13 If you are being taken for granted at a studio, it is okay to go to another studio

1.14 Most teachers are being paid next to nothing to teach you (so always thank them after taking their class)

1.15 The most dreaded phrase in yoga is, “Okay class, pick a partner for this next pose”

1.16 It’s okay to refuse to do partner poses

1.17 No style of yoga will cure everything (despite what some claim)

1.18 Never buy a three month pass without first knowing if the studio or teachers suck

1.19 Teachers should always gargle before class if they are into adjusting and talking to you at the same time

1.20 A 200 (or 500 or 1000) hr teaching certificate is not a medical degree (get to a doctor)

1.21 There is no relationship between how much money you spend on yoga and how advanced a yogi you will become

1.22 A yoga class is always more fun than practicing alone at home with a yoga DVD

1.23 Yoga is way weird to the vast majority of people who don’t do yoga (you have been warned, act accordingly in public)

1.24 A yoga class will not cure a hangover (and it is a bad idea to do inversions and one leg balance poses after a heavy night of drinking)

1.25 The teacher doesn’t always know

1.26 Doing advance poses before or during a level 1 class will label you a yoga douche bag (like forever)

1.27 If you are male, stripping off your shirt after the first 10 minutes of class, even though there is nothing sweaty about it, will also label you a yoga douche bag (though if you are a yogini and did that, it would be totally awesome)

1.28 The teacher tends not to bother you if you set up your mat in the back of the class (dirty looks sometimes accomplish the same thing)

1.29 People will be checking out your asana (or ass) if you set up you mat in the front of the class

1.30 The teacher isn’t always happy to see you

1.31 The owner is always happy to see you pull money out of your wallet

1.32 Yoga studios are businesses; not charities, non-profits nor religious institutions (it’s strictly pay to play)

1.33 It hard not to laugh when someone farts in yoga class (it’s also hard to look innocent when YOU fart in yoga class)

1.34 People who do yoga are generally really cool people

1.35 Yoga stars are also really cool people except for the ones drowning in their own egos

1.36 Nobody owns yoga (though some will try to copyright it)

1.37 There is no One True Yoga

1.38 The most sensual thing in yoga is the full forehead and head massage by the teacher during savasana (it’s sometimes best to think godly thoughts during those moments)

1.39 It’s okay to not be perfectly aligned (or fall out of a pose or go into child’s pose)

1.40 When someone claims their brand of yoga is better because _____ (fill in the blank), it almost never is

1.41 Mastering an advance yoga asana will not help you avoid paying taxes or complete them on time

1.42 The yogini next to you being friendly might just be being friendly

1.43 The yogini next to you being friendly might be more than just being friendly (it’s so confusing)

1.44 Always scope out where the bathrooms are located BEFORE the class begins when practicing in a new studio for the first time

1.45 The best teachers are not always the best (or advanced) yogis

1.46 A workshop by a famous yoga star will always be overcrowded and full of blah, blah, blah (Expect to pay lots of money but don’t expect to get any personal attention or adjustments)

1.47 Listening to your body always overrides whatever the teacher tells you to do

1.50 The yogi next to you will always have a more sensitive nose than you (eating garlic, onions and/or Kim Chee before taking a crowded yoga class is a bad idea)

1.51 Don’t underestimate the practice of good mat hygiene

1.52 It’s okay to leave the class if it’s too hot or you feel sick (really and truly)

1.53 The teacher is not always the brightest bulb in the class

1.54 Savasana is the best part of yoga

1.55 It’s wise to return back home if you suddenly feel gassy on the way to a yoga class (Gas-X does not always work as quick as you would like)

1.56 There is a direct correlation between how boring a person is and how much they brag about how much they know about yoga

1.57 It’s okay to laugh in yoga

1.58 There are angry, disgruntled and disillusioned long time practitioners of yoga (who knew)

1.59 Some yoga classes can be a waste of money (sometimes there really is nothing new to learn)

1.60 Rude, obnoxious and arrogant senior Iyengar teachers are simply rude, obnoxious and arrogant

1.61 If you are male, NOT checking out the hot half-naked yoginis in front of you is extremely difficult no matter how focused your dristhi is

1.62 Most of the people in yoga class are more flexible than you (especially if they are younger and female)

1.63 Yoga won’t necessarily make you a better person (or even a good person)

1.64 There is a danger that yoga can make you arrogant and self-consumed with mastering poses over time

1.65 Hot yoga will make you sweat (a lot) and make your mat slippery

1.66 It’s okay to go to another studio if the owner’s life-style bugs you

1.67 Don’t expect the yoga teacher to be your guru but be aware they may hit on you if you are young and hot

1.68 It’s called Wind Releasing pose for a reason (see bean burrito above)

1.69 Most music played in yoga class sucks

1.70 You are still going to get sick, get old and die no matter how much yoga you do

1.71 Deeply discount any claims by the teacher that ONLY yoga will help you _____ (fill in the blank)

1.72 There is no direct connection between more expensive classes and better yoga instruction

1.73 There are no secrets in yoga

1.74 Yoga Journal is the best source material for satirical yoga bits

1.75 In some cases, you might actually know more than the teacher

1.76 Laugh in yoga and all is coming

 

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