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The Yogic Evolution of a Yogini

 

Subject before taking up the practice of yoga

Life is good, but boring.

Discovers yoga on a Saturday morning yoga TV show on cable. Thinks this is worth looking into further.

Buys a yoga DVD by a hot new yoga star.

Takes a yoga class at a local yoga studio.

Buys a pair of yoga pants from Target.

Attends a yoga workshop by a hot new yoga star at a local yoga studio.

Discovers yoga blogs and begin to leaves comments on them.

Discovers goji berries.

Attends a yoga conference in another city that hosts workshops by several hot new yoga stars.

Buys a pair of $100 Lululemons yoga pants (and several tops).

Attends a yoga festival in another city that hosts workshops by several hot new yoga stars and entertainment by hot new kirtan bands.

Discovers kombucha.

Buys a Black Manduka.

Start own yoga blog named, The Self-Centered Yogini.

Begins a yoga teacher training course in a trendy new yoga studio across town.

Goes vegan.

Completes yoga teacher training course.

Buys a harmonium.

After spending $9,000 on yoga teacher training, looks for a yoga job, but can only find non-paying teaching gigs, euphemistically called community classes, in third tier yoga studios.

Gets first yoga tattoo; an OM symbol.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios and sometimes in the local park.

Gets first Buddhist tattoo; a wheel of dharma.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios, in the local park and local community senior citizen centers.

Gets first Taoist tattoo; a Yin Yang symbol

Fuck it… gets full body spiritual tattoo that depicts the complete Bhagavad Gita.

Loses job because the boss thinks all those tats are too freakish for customers.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios, the local park, community senior citizens center, and the local prison.

Learns about a hot new yoga guru living in an ashram in India who teaches the One True Yoga.

Sells all possessions to travel to India to study with the hot new yoga guru.

Discovers that the hot new yoga Guru, who goes by the name Vivakanandashidisivamuktiparama-ji, is really a person named Barry from Boulder. Begins having sex with Guru Barry and becomes his main, ahum…, disciple.

Is given the name Mamakanandatripleshivashakti-ji by Guru Barry but goes by the name of Jenni-ji because no one can pronounce that name anyway.

Gets first red forehead dot.

Gets nose rings.

Gets so many bangles that makes a holy sound in the key of Om that everyone in the ashram calls her, “The One Women American Kirtan Band”.

Wears saris and get henna tats on face and any remaining un-tattooed area of body.

Scores ganja from the local sadhus.

Grows hair into dreadlocks.

No longer wears clothes but smears body with cow dung and the ashes of the dead.

Guru Barry chooses a hot new yogini that just arrived in ashram to be his new main disciple.

Guru Barry sends Jenni-ji to LA to start a store-front branch of the One True Yoga.

Works for free teaching the One True Yoga, passing out leaflets on the street and cleaning the toilet.

Develops full-blown yogachosis and yogarexia.

Reduced to living in a back of the store-front of the One True Yoga under a cardboard squat when found by parents.

Locked in a room by them to get deprogrammed while having tattoos surgically removed.

Begins to use birth name, Betty Sue.

Renames blog, The Self-Deluded Yogini, and attempt to write satirical exposes of the yoga scene but only ends up sounding bitter, cynical and sarcastic.

Finally free of yoga forever after months of deprogramming, shuts down blog, gives away the Lulus, Black Manduka and devotes new found time learning ping pong.

Gets a job in a hot new ad agency.

Makes lots of money.

Become bored.

One Saturday, discovers Pilates on a TV show on cable. Thinks this is worth looking into further.

Buys a Pilates DVD by a hot new Pilates star………

Subject after taking up the practice of yoga

 

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