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HOR Yoga

Thank you for calling HOR Yoga. I’m Om Shanti, your friendly automated voice-activated menu system. To serve you more efficiently, please listen carefully to the following menu options so that I may direct your call more efficiently. Again, thank you for calling HOR Yoga and remember that HOR is MORE then just YOGA!

 

Say “1” to join our exclusive HOR Yoga membership. A special discount of $2,978 will be subtracted from our regular membership fee of $7,594 for those callers that say “1” within the next 3 seconds.

3…2…1...I’m sorry; you have not acted quickly enough to qualify for this special membership discount.

 

Say “2” to schedule an appointment for molybdomancy, aura balancing, trepanation, crop circle interpretation, alien abductees counseling, ear candling, skull tapping, speleotherapy or a colonic cleansing.

I’m sorry; “What the fuck” is not a menu option.

 

Say “3” to sign up for HOR’s hot new yoga dating service with one free session of our “HOR Is Hot Yoga”.

I’m sorry, ”this is stupid” is not a menu option. Remember that if you ever feel overwhelmed or stressed while listening to these menu option, always feel free to go into child’s pose.

 

Say “4” if you are scheduling a HOR Chakra Transplant or say “Chakra Help” if this is a chakra emergency.

I’m sorry, pressing all the buttons on the phone is not an option. Don’t forget to breathe while listening to these menu choices.

 

Say “5” to enroll in HOR ’s teacher training program for SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy method of yoga tm.

Remember, if for any reason you need to speak to an operator during this menu selection, say “operator.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.  

Say “operator” if you wish to speak to an operator.  

Did you say “operator”?  

Say “yes” or” no”.  

I’m sorry; “god damn it” is not an option.  

Do you wish to speak to an “operator”? Say” yes” or” no”.  

You said “yes”. Okay, I will connect you to an operator, one moment please…………................................……I’m sorry the operator is busy.

 

Say “6” if your crown chakra has turned into a clown chakra.

Are you holding your breath? Remember to breathe during this menu selection!

 

Say “7” if your third eye itches.

I’m sorry; #%$^% %^%$@# %^% *^&* is not an option. Are you breathing?

 

Say “8” to sign up for HOR ’s exclusive home study course; “Preventing Squirrels from Stealing the Tomatoes in your Back Yard.”

 

Say “9” if you want to join in the class action suit against HOR Yoga due to any mental or physical injuries that listening to this menu system has caused you. Please Note: This option is required by law due to a judgment against HOR Yoga by the US Government Office of Yoga Affairs.

You said “9”; I’m sorry, option 9 is currently not working. Please try this option again at any time.

I’m sorry option 9 is still not working.  

I’m sorry option 9 is still not working.  

I’m sorry option 9 is still not working.  

I’m sorry “son of a bitch’ is not an option.

 

Say “10” if wish to enroll for HOR ’s yoga conference being held in beautiful downtown Gary, Indiana. We are offering a full HOR yoga package for only $10,506.

I’m sorry, pulling the phone out from the phone jack is not an option. 

I’m sorry; hanging up the phone is not an option.  

I’m sorry; jumping up and down on the phone is not an option.

 

Say “11” to enroll in HOR ’s “Anger Management” workshop.

I’m sorry, weeping is not an option.

 

Say “12” to repeat this menu.

Before you jump out the window, HOR Yoga wants you to know that if you say “1” in the next 3 seconds, this menu will end you will get my voice out of your head.

3…2…Thank you for choosing option “1” and joining our exclusive HOR Yoga membership. Please listen carefully to the following menu options so we may direct you more efficiently now that you are member of HOR Yoga.

 

Say “1” to…